Why do some of us suffer? I want to focus on the love relationship/psychological aspect of suffering in this post. Because October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I would like to talk about love relationships that have gone wrong. We all have entered into relationships only to find, the person they were dating, and who they perceived them to be was not the case. Some of us, however, don’t turn around when those red sirens go off with our intuition and instincts based on past traumas and many other reasons, so they end up suffering because they followed their heart.
We always hear, we should follow our hearts. This is not always the case. I have been so attracted to someone, even fooling myself, with justifications like “I don’t really care about him at this point, so why not go out with him again?’ The problem is we end up getting hooked to this individual. Usually when there is a crazy chemistry, (Not always), usually however, There are deeper issues at play. What we think is chemistry, can be in all actuality, sharing an “ADDICTION”. You find the person your attracted to drinks too much, and you do too.
Another way we end up in relationships that bring on suffering and pain is what is known as the rescuer syndrome. We see a man who has so many great qualities, and they sweep us off of our feet, say “I love you” a little too quickly, say all the right things that we need to hear and before we know it, we are hooked. We notice those flaws within the man. For example, his temper is a little too hot. We know this because we saw him lose his temper at the waiter over cold rolls served. Yet, instead of taking not of the red flag that popped up inside, along with an eventual sob story on his or her end, we overlook this episode.
How else do we land in a love relationship that brings us suffering? We have the relationship where addiction is at play, the rescuer relationship, and now, the unavailable man.
The unavailable man or woman is difficult not to be attracted to. After all, they are advertising that they are everything you want, and they already have figured out “what you want” and the scary thing is that what they think you want is truly what you do. You do notice however, the man is 45 years old and never married. You ask him about this, and you get a smooth, well rehearsed answer as to why they are still single. The number one reason men who are emotionally unavailable give is “I just haven’t met the right woman yet”. Generally, you would ask a follow-up question like, “Would you like to be married?” Answer is something like this: “Absolutely if I met the right woman.”
Another issue with the “emotionally unavailable” man is that they love to make you fall in love with them. You may be asking, why would a person be so cruel if the relationship isn’t going anywhere and they know this? The answer is, most of the time, they don’t. They have not come to terms with their own issues, and in order to be direct and honest with you they have to come to terms with these issues. One last point about the emotionally unavailable man is that they make everything your fault after your already in love with them, and they look for perfectionism. Eventually, we all have to drop the perfect image, because we are human. However, the very reason this kind of man brings eventual suffering to you, is he decides he can’t live with your flaws. It’s not personal!! They would arrive at this conclusion regardless of what you showed them and until they face their own issues this will NOT change.
Finally, we have the Physically Abusive Man. These are the types of men that have exceptional qualities to you, yet your friends get a bad feeling when they first meet him. These types of men will commit: quickly. Beware of the man that says I love you too fast, and beware of the man that escalates with his behavior. These individuals, (believe me, women can abuse as well) begin by pulling out all of the stops. Everything you want they give you if they are able. They share their dreams with you and they paint the prettiest of pictures as to what your future will be like. This relationship has a “courtship period” where there are roses, dinners, poems, romance, (they literally sweep you off your feet). At this point, your in love with them. You find, one night you are the one who accidentally serves rolls that are cold and this man, who has shown you nothing but love towards you, snaps. They slap you, or push you (the first time they physically abuse you is just the beginning of an escalation of violence to come). After this, they apologize, profusely, even crying at some point, giving you a thousand excuses, and despite all that you have previously felt would be “the end” of a relationship turns into a second chance.
It is also important to mention this. These types of men, like to isolate you. It begins slowly, just like the physical abuse. They begin to say things like, why do you need to make time for Debbie, for example, when you could be spending that time with me? They isolate your family. At some point you and him draw a line with family and friends, or vice-versa. Some friends, simply can’t take seeing you with someone that hurts you like that, because of the pain it brings for them, when they see you go back over and over.
What is the Psychology behind this rationalization on your part? Everytime this type of abuser insists he will change, swears he will be someone new, is wonderful to you for a period of time, before the act of violence happens again, you have compromised your moral code. We all, if asked if we would ever be in this type of relationship, would of course answer no. Yet, time after time we find some of the women in society when all is said and done, come out of the closet and we find that they, too, were in one of these kinds of relationships. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO MENTION THAT MEN CAN BE THE ONES BEING PHYSICALLY ABUSED AS WELL.
Daily Wisdom Words is based off of mistakes learned from. Remember this. Neel and myself are now offering counseling to individuals who belong to Daily Wisdom Words. If your signed up, great. Take advantage of “Wise Advice”. If you are not a member, because we are not licensed professionals, instead, Mental Health Advocates, we can only help those part of this community. Join today for just $10 if you need to talk to someone and be pointed in the right direction. Suffering in a love relationship is a choice. Don’t make it your choice. Thanks so much for reading. Samantha Leboeuf/DWW
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