Daily Wisdom Words

DEATH WHAT HAPPENS IN THE AFTERLIFE? 7/11/2020

DEATH                             WHAT HAPPENS IN THE AFTERLIFE?     7/11/2020

AS MANY OF YOU KNOW, I JUST LOST MY BABY SISTER JUST TWO WEEKS AGO TODAY.  I WOULD LOVE TO ANSWER THE QUESTION I POSED ABOVE, BUT I HONESTLY DO NOT HAVE THE ANSWERS.  THIS IS THE FIRST PERSON IN MY LIFE I HAVE LOST I WAS SO CLOSE TO.  I OFTEN WONDER, WAS IT JUST ME?  WHAT DID I NOT KNOW IN THE LAST YEAR OF HER LIFE?  I CAME TO VISIT JUST TWO WEEKS BEFORE SHE PASSED, AND THE WEEKEND THAT SHE PASSED AWAY, AND SO MANY EMOTIONS FILL MY HEAD AND HEART WHEN I SEE MY LITTLE SISTER I PLAYED WITH AND HUNG OUT WITH AS A CHILD, PASS AWAY AND STOP BREATHING.  FIRST, I FELT SHOCK.  I THINK WHEN THIS TYPE AND DEPTH OF TRAGEDY OCCURS IN OUR LIVES, SHOCK WOULD BE A COMMON EMOTION.  I ALSO HAVE FELT ANGER.  WHY?  SHE HAD SO MUCH MORE TO OFFER THIS WORLD. 

WHEN THE SHOCK WORE OFF, THE ANGER BEGAN TO TRICKLE DOWN INSIDE ME.   I REALIZED AFTER ASKING OVER AND OVER AGAIN, WHY HER, GOD, I WOULDN’T GET AN ANSWER.   NOT MANY OF YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LITTLE SISTER.  SHE HAD A CANKER SORE IN HER MOUTH APPROXIMATELY 14 MONTHS AGO, AND IT REALLY WAS BUGGING HER AND VERY PAINFUL.  SHE WENT TO THE DENTIST IN REGARDS TO THIS “SORE” AND HE SAID IT DIDN’T LOOK LIKE A TYPICAL SORE.  HE SENT HER TO AN EAR, NOSE AND THROAT SPECIALIST, WHO THEN PERFORMED A BIOPSY.  HE HIMSELF SEEMED SURPRISED AT THE RESULTS.  SHE HAD ORAL CANCER AKA HEAD AND NECK CANCER.  THE MEDICAL TERM FOR THIS TYPE OF CANCER IS “SQUAMOUS CELL CARCINOMA” OF THE HEAD AND NECK.  BY THE TIME THE SPECIALIST GOT THE RESULTS BACK TO TYPE THE CANCER, SHE WAS CLOSE TO A STAGE FOUR.  HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?

WHEN THIS INFORMATION CAME BACK, I WAS REALLY SCARED.  SHE HAD A WEDDING COMING UP IN ONE MONTH, AND THE DOCTOR AGREED TO LET HER PUT OFF REMOVING THE TUMOR UNTIL IT WAS OVER. IT IS FUNNY.  I MUST INTERJECT SOMETHING IN HERE.  I NOW BELIEVE THAT HAD SHE NOT WAITED AND BEGAN TREATMENT IMMEDIATELY, IT WOULD NOT HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCE.  WE MIGHT HAVE FELT MORE PEACE WITH IT, BUT ULTIMATELY I BELIEVE SHE WOULD HAVE ARRIVED AT THE SAME PLACE.  TREATMENT STARTED WITH RADIATION.  THE RADIATION WAS SO HORRIBLE THEY USED, AS IT BURNT HER TONGUE AND THROAT SO BADLY.  SHE COULD NOT EAT OR EVEN DRINK.  SHE REFUSED TO GO BACK AFTER FIVE OR SIX DAYS OF IT.  I HONESTLY DON’T BLAME HER.  WHEN I CALLED TO CHECK ON HER AFTER THE SECOND RADIATION TREATMENT, SHE COULD NOT EVEN TALK.  SHE WAS CRYING AND IN PAIN.  

THE NEXT STEP WAS TO REMOVE THE TUMOR.  SINCE IT WAS LOCATED ON THE TONGUE, THERE WAS NO CHOICE BUT TO REMOVE PART OF IT.  SHE AT THAT POINT, COULD NOT SPEAK WITHOUT A HEAVY LISP AFTER SIX WEEKS OF HEALING.  THE BIOPSY CAME BACK THAT THE CANCER HAD SPREAD TO HER LYMPH NODES. I HONESTLY I FELT SHE WAS GOING TO BE FINE, EVEN AT THIS POINT.  AFTER THIS, THEY HAD ANOTHER THERAPY WHERE SHE STAYED ISOLATED FOR FIVE DAYS IN A ROOM THAT WAS RADIOACTIVE AND NO ONE WAS ALLOWED IN BECAUSE IT COULD HARM THEM.  THIS IS WHERE MY GUILT BEGINS TO SET IN.  I DID NOT WANT TO FACE THAT THIS WAS AS SERIOUS AS IT WAS.  I AM SO VERY ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT, BUT I WAS SCARED. HER AND I KNOW EACH OTHER WELL.  I KNEW ALSO, I WOULD START CRYING.  SHE HAD GIVEN STRICT ORDERS FOR OTHERS NOT TO BE SAD AROUND HER.  SHE SIMPLY COULD NOT STAND BEING THE ROOT OF ANOTHER’S PAIN.  SHE SIMPLY DIDN’T HAVE A MEAN BONE IN HER BODY.  

THE PROTOCOL AFTER THIS, WAS TO BEGIN CHEMOTHERAPY, BUT SHE TOLD THE DOCTORS THAT SHE WOULD NOT DO THIS DUE TO THE HORRIFIC SIDE EFFECTS.  SHE HAD A BAD EXPERIENCE WITH THE ANESTHESIOLOGIST WHO THOUGHT HE PUT HER TO SLEEP.  HE HAD NOT.  SHE COULD FEEL THE TRACHEOTOMY TUBE GOING DOWN HER THROAT AND WOKE UP, AND WENT INTO CARDIAC ARREST.  AFTER  THIS, SHE ALSO WOULD NO LONGER AGREE TO A TRACHEOTOMY PROCEDURE WHICH WAS REQUIRED FOR ALL REMAINING OPTIONS FOR THIS CANCER.   NOTHING WENT RIGHT.  AFTER SPENDING FIVE DAYS IN ISOLATED, TARGETED RADIATION, THE INITIAL TUMORS HAD SHRUNK, BUT A NEW TUMOR BEGAN TO PROTUDE FROM THE LEFT SIDE OF HER THROAT ON HER VOICE BOX.  (NO MORE SINGING).  THIS HAD ALWAYS BEEN HER PASSION WAS WRITING MUSIC AND SINGING IT, AND NOW, THE QUALITY OF HER LIFE WAS NOT GOING TO ALLOW HER TO SING ANYMORE.  SHE REFUSED CHEMOTHERAPY AND TRACHEOTOMIES WERE REQUIRED FOR THE REMAINING OPTIONS.  

AT THIS POINT, WE ARE A GOOD NINE MONTHS INTO THE FOURTEEN MONTHS FROM HER WEDDING. I HAD TO HAND IT OVER TO HER HUSBAND.  HE WAS AMAZING AND EVEN SLEPT ON THE FLOOR OF HOSPITAL ROOMS SO HE WOULD NOT HAVE TO LEAVE HER.  SHE OPTED TO GO TOWARDS EASTERN MEDICINE OR A HOMEOPATHIC TREATMENT.  SHE TRIED, BUT THE CANCER WAS CONTINUALLY GETTING WORSE.  SHE AT THIS POINT WEIGHED A LITTLE MORE THAN HALF OF HER INITIAL WEIGHT.  THEY HAD INCLUDED A FEEDING TUBE IN AS PROTOCOL TO HELP HER GAIN WEIGHT.  NO SUCH LUCK.  I HAVE SHARED NOW, MOST OF THE FACTS UNTIL TWO WEEKS PRIOR TO HER DEATH WHEN I FIRST WENT OUT TO JENNER, CALIFORNIA.  MY SISTER WAS MADLY IN LOVE, AND HAD TWO AMAZING DAUGHTERS WHO I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART.  SHE HAD REASONS “TO LIVE”.  GREGORY WAS SO “CONNECTED” TO HER, HE COULD NOT STAND ALL OF THIS AND HER INCREASED PAIN SO I FEEL HE WAS ALONG THE SAME THINKING LINES AS SHE WAS.  I WAS SHOCKED WHEN I ARRIVED FOR MY FIRST VISIT.  THIS IS WHEN I REALIZED THERE WAS A GOOD CHANCE MY LITTLE SISTER WOULD HAVE TO FACE DEATH. 

I AM NOT ABLE TO HIDE MY EMOTIONS VERY WELL, AND I FEEL SHE KNEW IT WAS SO HARD ON ME BECAUSE THERE WAS A GOOD HALF A DAY THAT SHE TOLD ME NOT TO COME AGAIN.  AT THIS POINT, SHE HAD SAID HER GOODBYES.  THE DOCTORS GAVE HER TWO TO SIX MONTHS.  WE WANT TO BE ANGRY WITH SOMEONE WHEN WE SEE A LOVED ONE GO THROUGH ALL THIS.  WE DO NOT WANT TO LOSE THEM.  OH MY GOODNESS, NO WAY.  I WENT HOME AND POURED MY HEART AND SOUL INTO LOOKING FOR FDA TRIALS FOR THIS FORM OF CANCER.  DUE TO COVID-19, MANY OF THE RESEARCHERS HAD TO STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF EXPERIMENTS AND WHAT WAS AVAILABLE, WAS THINGS THAT SHE HAD MADE UP HER MIND SHE SIMPLY WOULD NOT DO.  ALL OF THE RESEARCH I FOUND REQUIRED A TRACHEOTOMY TO PROCEED.  SHE AT THIS POINT, WAS NOW TOO WEAK AND BODY WEIGHT TOO LOW TO DO THIS.  IT WAS BEYOND SAD THE SECOND TRIP WHEN I WENT.  SHE HAD CHANGED HER MIND ABOUT ME COMING ON THE SAME DAY SHE TOLD ME NOT TO COME.  SHE TEXTED ON HER OWN, TELLING ME TO COME.  DEATH-THIS IS OUR DAILY WISDOM WORD TODAY.  WE ARE GETTING CLOSE TO THE END OF THIS STORY IN EVERY WAY, SAD, BUT TRUE.  

WE ARE NOW GOING TO TAKE A LOOK AT THE WEBSTER DICTIONARY MEANING OF DEATH AND THEN, THE DAILY WISDOM WORDS DEFINITION.  

DEATH-THE END OF A LIFE OF A PERSON.  2.  PERMANENT END OF VITAL CELL PROCESSES AND FUNCTION OF THE HUMAN BODY DIES.  

DWW DEFINITION OF DEATH-A LOSS OF A HUMAN BEING THAT IS HUMAN.  THEY ARE NO LONGER PART OF THIS REALM AND HAVE A NEW SPIRITUAL REALM.  DEATH GIVES WAY TO A RE-BIRTHING PROCESS AS THEIR SIN IS WASHED AWAY. THEY ARE NOW GOD’S ANGELS ‘WITH WINGS.  JENNY SOFTLY TOOK IN ONE LAST BREATH OF AIR AND SHE WAS GONE.  IF I HAD NO FAITH OR HOPE IN HUMANITY, I WOULDN’T BELIEVE I WOULD SEE HER AGAIN.  WE WILL  ALONG WITH OTHER LOVED ONES I BELIEVE WHEN I GO.  THE DAILY WISDOM WORD TODAY WAS DEATH.  THE LAST THING I REMEMBER ABOUT JENNY’S FACE WAS THE EXPRESSION OF PEACE.  WHY HER, LORD?  WHY DID SHE HAVE TO GO?  WHY DID SHE LEAVE SO SOON WHEN YOU CALLED HER HOME?  I SUSPECT THOSE ANSWERS WILL NOT HAVE AN ANSWER UNTIL I CROSS OVER FOR REBIRTH.  GOD BLESS YOU ALL.  FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO PARTICIPATED IN THE MEMORIAL FOR MY SISTER, JENNIFER GYPSY KEIM, I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.  PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT ON YOUR THOUGHT PROCESS OF DEATH, OR A POEM ABOUT IT.  SAMANTHA LEBOEUF/BIG SISTER

 

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Patti Harelkin
Patti Harelkin
24 days ago

Samantha thank you so much for writing this. I know it must have been so difficult. It helped me understand all that she had gone through. I also could feel how much love you have for your little sister. I know she loved you so very much. So sorry. I miss her. My heart hurts. I am grateful she is no longer in pain and as you said at this time can’t understand why she had to go through so much pain. Why her girls are now left without their precious mother. You without your sister. Your mom without her… Read more »

Shanni
Shanni
24 days ago

Dear Sam, I wrote this Haiku today in honor of your sister. Wishing you peace.

She leaves peacefully
Brilliance lights her way
Gliding towards heaven

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