Love

Seeking Your Inner Self

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THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE ENTITLED, “SEEKING YOUR INNER SELF” IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

 

Hello again, Dear Reader. This week’s topic is about seeking your inner self. The paths of life are many; there are numerous demands and choices we must face in our lives. The  variety of roles we must play are many. Oftentimes, the many hats we wear can be exhausting. These daily demands and challenges can interfere with what many may call, “finding oneself”…seeking that core of us that is unique but connected. Let’s take a closer look.

 

 

 

Our Roles:

I believe that seeking your inner self is often in direct opposition to maintaining all the responsibilities we collect. We collect these chores as part of our larger desires…desires for a family, a home, a career, vacations, toys…all these desires have a price. As our material desires are fulfilled, we trade some portion of our peace of mind. This is often the case because we must run at a faster pace to  keep up with the demands we have  accumulated. We juggle these identities of father, mother, sister, brother, career person but we tend to neglect our spiritual self.

To be a householder in our modern world means sacrifice and responsibility. With family members each having their own agenda (their own desires and needs),  a person may find themselves treading water, trying to hold on until the next deluge. This leaves little time for self reflection. Seeking your inner self is often put on a back burner while chores are tended to…not a perfect recipe for enlightenment. Therefore, actively making time to seek your inner self can seem almost impossible. However, this is a worthy endeavor that can truly enhance one’s life.

 

 

Making Time:

Making time for self improvement is something we must strive for. Of course, we can’t actually make time…what we have to do is shift some of our priorities and place ourselves at the top of the list. This is much easier said than done. I’m not suggesting to switch to an ego-centered, selfish persona. However, I do believe that many of us not only put ourselves last, oftentimes we are not even on the list. I’ve done this for a great deal of my life and I do not recommend it.

 

Seeking your inner self requires that you do place yourself somewhere in your life- equation. You can’t help others if you are depleted and frazzled. Therefore, it is imperative that some down time involving self care and self soothing is present.

 

 

Self Care:

Self care requires that one actively seeks a place in life for a spiritual journey. It is indeed a journey, and along the way one can achieve peace and respite. Yet, for this journey to ensue, one must have the resolve necessary to pursue self awareness. But, one must not only pursue self realization but also embrace the unknown and let go of attachments. We must wrench our shelves free ourselves of attachments and desire the esoteric rather the material.

 

 

Self Improvement:

How we go about seeking our inner self can be quite varied. Exercise, yoga, and meditation can be the desired end result we strive to achieve. However, successfully adding these to our daily routine takes time…I like to think of it as baby steps. I began this spiritual journey when I was 21 and much has changed since that time. What hasn’t changed is my commitment to nourishing my soul. Let’s look at some steps one can take towards self realization.

Write It:

Writing down the questions we have regarding our spirituality can be a good first step towards seeking your inner self. The age-old questions such as, “What is my purpose?”, “What goals do I wish to achieve?”, “What dreams do I have?”, “Are these dreams attainable?”, “What motivates me?” and, “What are my passions?”…these questions can be written down in order to operationalize our desires. Keeping these goals in the forefront of our lives can help us to prioritize our existence. Knowing what our values and beliefs are can help cement our identity with integrity.

 

 

Live It:

Living the life of a seeker can be difficult. Seeking your inner self requires tactics and strategies … a plan of action. Writing things down in and of itself will not get you the peace of mind you may be seeking. As I’ve written previously here on DWW, exercise, yoga, breathing techniques and meditation are all options when seeking oneself. Physical exercise should be tailored to individual needs and not be excessive. Yoga requires small steps as well, working your way towards more complex postures. Breathing techniques help ameliorate daily stresses and are also varied. Meditation takes many forms and trying some of the different types to find a good fit may take time. Please refer to previous DWW articles for further explanation regarding these techniques.

 

Conclusions:

Seeking your inner self is life long journey. Defining your goals, dreams and values help with personal edification.  Furthermore, exercise, yoga, breathing techniques and meditation can enhance one’s ability to juggle the many role we take on in life. When we are able to manage our choices, we find a way through the householder lifestyle towards the lifestyle of a seeker.

 

As always, Dear Reader, please feel free to leave comments and/or questions below in “Join the discussion”. I check back throughout the week to look for your thoughts. Until next time, stay safe and healthy. Cheers!

 

 

THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE ENTITLED, “SEEKING YOUR INNER SELF” IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

 

 

 

What We Owe Our Children

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THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “WHAT WE OWE OUR CHILDREN” IS BY DR.SHANNI DOVER

 

 

Hello again, Dear Reader. For this week’s installment I will discuss what we owe our children. This topic was spurred by a brief conversation with a friend which made me wonder what “shoulds, oughts and musts” we might all have in our baggage. As previously discussed here on DWW, these imperatives we tell ourselves may not be rational. Therefore, the things we decide we “should, ought or must” do can conflict with a larger reality.  Let’s take a closer look!

 

 

Irrational Beliefs:

Our irrational thoughts and beliefs can sometimes overwhelm us. We tell ourselves things that we typically have been indoctrinated to believe. As we cannot transcend our culture, these beliefs can wreak havoc in our lives.

However, this convoluted system of do’s and don’ts can be manipulated by our actions. These actions can alter our ideas of “right and wrong” thereby perhaps changing our ideas about what we owe our children.

With higher education, our advanced degrees and our life experiences go hand in hand to create our worlds. With focus on flexibility during adversity, tolerance for ambiguity can be improved over time. This offers the individual the opportunity to grow beyond their inculcated belief systems, including thoughts regarding what we owe our children. And yes, although we cannot truly transcend our culture, we can certainly remove some of the blinders from our eyes and see another perspective.

 

drawing showing negativity and rumination

 

 

Our Demands:

Our demands upon ourselves and our lives can be enormous. We struggle through life’s many changes, often feeling as if we are starving for air. Furthermore, the demands others impose on us can muddy the waters even more. What we owe our children can become obscured in the mire.

 

When we take stock of our value system, we can perhaps get a better idea of what beliefs are actually a good fit for us. In fact, our values shape what demands we impose on ourselves and others.

When we become parents, we typically model parental values and behaviors. We impose these beliefs over the larger reality we meet in life. We look for congruence between what our parents taught us through example, and what we are learning in our lifetime. We can begin to see areas in which we differ immensely from our parents. When we can see these differences, we begin to create our own system of values.

 

Our Legacy:

We can certainly understand how ideas are shaped regarding what we owe our children. We could likely survey thousands and each response may be different. Responses would be according to our culture and corresponding values.

 

Ultimately, what we owe our children is an ill-defined problem/issue. This means that there is no “right or wrong” answer. There is no algorithm or heuristic to turn to for the solution. Therefore, we as human beings often fall back on our indoctrinated belief systems instilled by our family and our culture. That being said, some would say that we owe them some type of inheritance, typically monies and/or property that translates into money. This is certainly not uncommon.

I propose that,  given there is no right or wrong answer, we as individuals can determine what we owe our children. And we don’t have to rely on indoctrinated values; instead, we can be observers in the world and learn from the example of others. Yes, those others will also have indoctrinated beliefs; however, if we take a global perspective, we will then be subject to a plethora of cultural differences that can serve to enlighten and expand our minds.

 

Before I conclude, I will now humbly present my personal thoughts about what we owe our children; the legacy left behind. Primarily, I believe what we owe our children is our love. Sure. But what does that love equate to, in other words, how do we quantify this legacy of love?

I believe that a legacy of love involves sharing our attention and time. Our time is our life’s-blood. By offering our time and attention, we are truly giving of ourselves. When we are present, and actively teaching along the way, we are giving a gift far greater than the material. We are sharing part of ourselves, our little spots of wisdom we have accumulated. Whether far or near, every day we can offer our children some bit of comfort or knowledge that can serve them in the future.

 

Beyond that, I believe what we owe our children is the right to fail. Adversity is a tremendous teacher. When given the opportunity, human beings can very often “rise to the occasion” and grow well beyond all expectations. As the quote goes, “Life is an occasion, rise to it!”

Allowing our children to struggle to some degree, but being there as a support, can be the exact perturbation discussed by Piaget regarding intellectual development. These perturbations can forge us into smarter, stronger and more compassionate individuals. This is what we need in the world.

 

I could go on and on, but I will end this discussion here, Dear Reader. As always, please feel free to leave comments and/or questions below in “Join the discussion”… I look throughout the week for your thoughts. Until next time, stay safe and healthy. Cheers!

 

 

THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “WHAT WE OWE OUR CHILDREN” IS BY DR.SHANNI DOVER

 

 

Facing Challenges

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THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “FACING CHALLENGES” IS DR. SHANNI DOVER

Hello again, Dear Reader. This week I have chosen to discuss facing challenges. This past week was particularly difficult for me as I had to face the possible death of a pet; he had a 50/50 chance of waking up from the anesthesia after surgery. As one who has faced much adversity, I was stoic and tried to remain positive. However, I began to think of all the challenges I had already faced; I was ready to let go if necessary. Ernie lives but I am still feeling the effects of that stress.

Challenges:

Facing challenges is a necessary part of life. Therefore, I  prefer the word challenges rather than hardships or problems. This word, “challenges” implies that we can overcome; we can reinvent ourselves and our lives.

”Accept the challenges so that you can feel the exhilaration of victory.”

-Lydia Mulgado

I believe that facing challenges help to forge us into stronger individuals; thereby, perhaps, facing challenges can even serve to make us more caring. We can quietly begin to note that our ability to to solve problems over time can be enhanced.

Challenges Must Be Faced:

Psychological research over the years supports this notion, that facing challenges makes us who we are. Therefore, dilemmas faced and survived can be a powerful learning opportunity. Our ability to face perturbing life events can be improved over our life span. Research by Jean Piaget (1959;1971), William Perry (1950-1060; 1970; 1981) and, Kelly et al (1990) supports the notion that the density of cognitive conflict provides the condition for cognitive growth.

Given that facing challenges is an inescapable part of life; consequently, I think it is important that we realize our connectedness on this battleground. We all must face challenges, large, small, and with varying levels of importance. Herein lies our humanity, our connection to one another. Therefore, I will now present a summary of an article by Alden Tan entitled, “7 Challenges in Life You Need to Deal With” (2015). Perhaps this article can illustrate our implicit ties to one another so that we can see ourselves in others while facing challenges together.

1.) Emotions – We all struggle with our emotions from time to time; remember they are only passing through, like ships passing in the night.

2.)Toxic people – Toxic people can certainly be viewed as obstacles; learn to sort through these individuals.

3.) Unfairness in life – I’ve often said over the years, ‘The only fair in life is at the carnival.’ Life constantly changes. The ups and downs in life (vicissitudes) are unavoidable. Facing challenges with courage and grace is key; embrace these opportunities to grow.

4.) Your job – Always remember, you are Not your job. Don’t over identify and do your own personal best.

5.) Positive thinking – Shaping your thoughts is a difficult challenge. Have patience with yourself and overcome your irrational, negative thoughts to create the reality you desire.

6.) Meeting people – Don’t fear; don’t put others on a pedestal. Everyone makes judgements; learn to put their notions into perspective…you are not them.

7.) Yourself – Keep pushing yourself to avoid stagnation and complacency; be the best version of you. As a great poet once wrote, “Learn to labor and to wait”

 

Thanks for stopping by, Dear Reader. Remember to feel free to comment and/or ask questions below in, “Join the discussion”. I look forward to your words throughout my week. Until next time, stay safe and healthy. Cheers!

THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “FACING CHALLENGES” IS DR. SHANNI DOVER

 

 

Poetry For The Soul

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Hello again, Dear Reader. For this week’s installment, I am trying something quite different. With the desire to offer you inspiration in dark days, I have selected some poetry for your perusal.

Being a novice at writing poetry, I have been trying my hand at Japanese-style poetry. Many are likely familiar with the Haiku. This style of poetry consists of three lines containing 5, 7 and 5 syllables to equal a total of 17 syllables. Some may not be familiar with the Japanese Tanka. This poetry consists of 31 syllables containing five lines with 5, 7, 5, 7 and 7 syllables, respectively.

It is my intention that in reading some of this poetry, a sense of hope may overtake confusion and frustration even if for only a little while. So without further explanation, I present for your enjoyment a bit of poetry to soothe the soul. I will begin by presenting one of my favorite poets, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, and a poem that has inspired me since my early teen years, A Psalm Of Life…

 

Now I will share part of my heart with you, Dear Reader, and humbly offer you my words…

Haiku:

As the seasons pass
The mystery of life smiles
Trusting the future

 

An open heart gives
Joyfully sharing its light
Revealing brilliance

 

Colors bursting forth
All possibilities near
The future reclaimed

 

December in bloom
Sunshine warms this desert land
Winter upon us

 

No guards at the keep
All battlements are removed
Moments now are safe

 

Paths not clearly seen
A perilous journey made
Traversing forward

 

Just left of center
Here to offer up a smile
Misfit but standing

 

Although the sky laughed
And the cold did steal within
Warmth returned again

 

Tanka:

 

The rains wash the land
Lady bugs bees and birds know
Comforts such as these
Shoots of green still holding on
Nature’s embrace wild and free

 

Eyes fixed on a star
We embrace this mystery
Unknowns accepted
Clinging to one another
Knowing we possess true wealth

 

Marking off time
I watched the threads unravel
My soul was exposed
Quickly moving for cover
Here I saved myself at last

 

Watching from above
Whilst painting a stand of trees
Willows pines and firs
Whispering sweet songs to me
Awaiting something sacred

 

Pastures of yellow
Mountains cling tight to fog
Biting winds whip past
Gray overcast skies above
The grip of Winter tightens

 

Faithfulness as guide
Resilience rewarded
Suffering relieved
On these shores I rest my head
Amid the foam and moonlight

 

After the deluge
When hope dangled like a twig
At the twelfth hour
The voice of fate softly spoke
Lending kindness to lost souls

 

In closing, Dear Reader, I remind you to please endeavor to keep your love and hope alive. I wish for you endless inspiration as you face your daily challenges. Be not disheartened. The winds of change always blow.

As always, please feel free to comment below in “Join The Discussion”…I do check back throughout the week for your questions, thoughts and comments. Until next time, Dear Reader, please stay strong, safe and healthy! Cheers!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Surviving Heartache

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THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED “SURVIVING HEARTACHE” IS BY DR.SHANNI DOVER

 

 

Hello again, Dear Reader. Today I will discuss  surviving heartache. This is something we all must face in life – whether young, old, sick, healthy, rich or poor. But do not fear. You are strong enough to get through to the other side of your pain.

Acceptance can be a key factor. Even though you may have lovely plans, some of these dreams could actually lead to heartache. Do you still dream? The answer is Absolutely Yes. Let’s take a deeper look.

 

Finding the Good:

Heartache is a part of life; the trick is to find the good. Always look for the good; look  for the helpers. In the midst of anxiety, sadness, loneliness and despair, they will be your strength!

Fred Rogers, one of my personal heroes, wrote:

“I was spared from any great disasters when I was little, but there was plenty of news of them in newspapers and on the radio, and there were graphic images of them in newsreels.

For me, as for all children, the world could have come to seem a scary place to live. But I felt secure with my parents, and they let me know that we were safely together whenever I showed concern about accounts of alarming events in the world.

There was something else my mother did that I’ve always remembered: “Always look for the helpers,” she’d tell me. “There’s always someone who is trying to help.” I did, and I came to see that the world is full of doctors and nurses, police and firemen, volunteers, neighbors and friends who are ready to jump in to help when things go wrong.”

Fred Rogers often told this story about when he was a boy and would see scary things on the news: “My mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers — so many caring people in this world.”

Realizing that heartache can be managed, and simultaneously become a source of growth, is a huge step towards our self awareness.

 

 Defeating the Fear:

I often say to those deep in heartache, “Keep your head up…” For me, this means to hold your head high no matter what troubles may challenge you. You are bigger than your fears, your trials, or your hurts.

I believe that fear can be a large part of heartache. Typically it can appear to be free-floating fear, with no particular attachment. However, upon deeper reflection the fear can often be traced to an irrational thought.

Albert Ellis (RET, 1959) researched the notion that our fears are based upon irrational belief systems. These beliefs create anxiety. Ellis advocated the importance of accepting yourself because you are alive, human and unique. He posited that being influenced by what others think of you can lead to pain and fear. Ellis urged people to discard the “shoulds, oughts, and musts”. He wrote:

“There are three musts that hold us back: I must do well. You must treat me well. And the world must be easy. By not caring too much about what people think, I’m able to think for myself and propagate ideas which are very often unpopular. And I succeed.

I had a great many…cases where people were absolutely devastated when somebody with whom they were compulsively in love didn’t love them back. They were killing themselves with anxiety and depression.

The emotionally mature individual should completely accept the fact that we live in a world of probability and chance, where there are not, nor probably ever will be, any absolute certainties, and should realize that it is not at all horrible, indeed—such a probabilistic, uncertain world.”

 

When we identify, face and defeat our irrational fears, we are better able to successfully survive heartache. By not falling victim to alarmists or our own illogical fears, we move closer to our true nature. When we change our mindset, our strengths can become more apparent. A wise man once said,  “What we put our attention on, we enliven.” Simply put, if we focus on our strengths they take a position in the forefront of our thoughts. This allows us to respond from a more grounded position rather than from the heartache.

 

Nurture Yourself:

Amid heartache and fear you must nurture yourselves. Simply put, be good to yourselves. I’ve found we are often hard on ourselves when we are enveloped in sadness…we blame ourselves. But again, heartache is part of life. These challenges needn’t be our downfall but can serve to teach us.

All of life is here to teach us. Life is constantly teaching us to be gentle, to be loving and giving, and to care for our lost and shipwrecked brothers and sisters.

However, this is easier said than done. Yet, when we rise from our heartache to help another, we free ourselves from pain… we can fly above it and beyond it. Thus, we learn that the pain is only temporary, and that happiness can wait around the next corner.

 

Your Actions:

You mustn’t think that your actions are inconsequential. Just the opposite is true. Every action you take has a ripple effect, like dropping a pebble into water. Every act of kindness… a smile, a hand held out, a hug, a word to console… these things are priceless. Although heartache will still be a part of your life, your perception of the heartache can be altered.

Life is like a roller coaster ride… there will be highs and lows; possible heartbreak waits, but the trick is to hold on, breathe, and enjoy the gifts of life. Be courageous when you start down those hills.

Given that heartbreak is indeed a part of this life, your hearts can endure, as will you. Your dreams will change throughout your lives; your attitudes towards your dreams and your life will also change. Change is an inevitable part of life. This is something we can indeed count on, so we must roll with these changes whether we view them as good or bad.

 

Thoughts:

When we are struggling with uncertainty, loss and anxiety, looking for “helpers” as Fred Rogers suggests can help to alleviate our fears and pain.

When battling with heartache, we also have to put away our indoctrinated belief systems. As Ellis pointed out many years ago, it is our “shoulds, oughts and musts” that lead to a great deal of human heartache.

And lastly, please remember to be good to yourself. Focus on your innate strength and fortitude. This is a salient weapon against your heartache. By nurturing yourself, you will find that your strengths become more apparent to you. Further, you are better able to reach out to others who are in the midst of heartache.

Being good to yourself means that if you’re tired, you rest; if you need a hug, hug yourself if necessary. Furthermore, you must forgive yourself for your mistakes. Telling yourself good things such as, I am worthy; I am a good person; I deserve love; I can solve problems; I am a winner; I am talented; I am loving and giving…this is also your weapon against heartache.  You must remember these affirmations as this is a fundamental truth of life: You Are Beautiful!

 

 

Please feel free to comment with regards to the value of this article to you, and what you would want to see more of in these posts. I will be available to answer questions and respond to comments. Dear Reader, I remain your friend.

 

 

 

THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “SURVIVING HEARTACHE” IS BY DR.SHANNI DOVER

 

 

 

 

Rearview Mirror

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THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, REARVIEW MIRROR IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

Hello again, constant Reader. Today I will discuss the Rearview mirror analogy and how it may relate to your life.


Rearview Mirror Analogy:

The Rearview Mirror analogy, as I like to call it, had its genesis many years ago. Simply put, it refers to endings. Specifically, ending a negative relationship, and ultimately seeing that person in your “rearview mirror”. However, coming to this decision may be one of the hardest tasks you will ever undertake. Let’s take a deeper look!

 

Beginnings:

As individuals enter into a relationship and/or marriage, some tend to believe that ‘forever’ truly exists within their chosen love. Thus, we hold on tightly, even in the face of toxicity. Consequently, many of us stay when it is passed time that the ‘special’ person is viewed in your rearview mirror.

 


Conundrum:

The complexity of human nature does not easily lend itself to study. Yet, many self-help books exist and psychologists have worked to understand the mysteries of the human mind for many years. Suffice it to say, algorithms and theories abound with regards to human behavior. The rearview mirror analogy then becomes a way to define a significant event.

 

Endings:

When it comes to ending a relationship, some of us tend to falter and settle for less than we deserve. We often settle because we believe that a failed relationship is our own personal failure. This is far from reality. Two people must constantly work together in order to be in a successful relationship.

This being said, no one can truly tell you when or if you should walk away. In fact, counselors will typically avoid being this directive with clients. It is a personal choice. However, our rearview mirror is sometimes precisely where we need to see our respective partners. Abuse and suffering do not have to be an on-going part of your daily existence.

 

Choices:

In utilizing the analogy, our rearview mirrors provide us with other salient choices as opposed to living in a toxic environment. The analogy can facilitate a path by which individuals can be OK with endings, as endings are a natural part of life. The letting go is painful; you will likely grieve for the loss. Yet, the daily pain of living with an abusive partner is much more deleterious to your well-being. Again, this choice isn’t easy but it is sometimes it is the only logical option.

 

Thoughts: 

If “our thoughts create our world” (Stephen Richards, 1836-1878) then it stands to reason that we can also change our worlds with our thoughts.  Therefore, the Rearview Mirror analogy may empower individuals to make a positive change. By simplifying a complex contextual event, one can entertain more possibilities. Thus, when we can see our power and potential futures, we may ultimately be inspired to seek a better existence. This could ameliorate the fear we feel that is inherent in major life changes.

 

Changes:

Although the Rearview Mirror analogy can be a tool to assist in your emancipation, I cannot be more emphatic that not all relationships require this level of intervention. There are certainly healthy relationships in which people are able to talk through their issues. However, many feel trapped, like a prisoner in their own lives. They feel the daily devastation of a dishonest, disloyal partner. These people are suffering…drowning in a quicksand of deceit, neglect, and abuse. Therefore, for these souls, the Rearview Mirror analogy may provide a safety net, perhaps even a possible beacon of hope and empowerment.


Conclusions:

The Rearview Mirror analogy refers to having made the decision to end a relationship. Thus, the partner is now in the rearview mirror and out of their daily lives. Further, it also provides a simplified albeit salient tool to take charge of your path in life. Although grief will likely be present, the freedom one receives in return could allow for a better self-image and an improved path.

Letting go can obviously be extremely difficult; however, letting go may be the healthiest choice. Abuse does not have to be part of life. Accepting abuse is not the only option. It has been said that when one door closes, another opens. This optimism underlies the Rearview Mirror analogy and can lead to the life of your dreams.

Please feel free comment with regards to the value of these words, and what you want to see more of in these posts. Next Sunday (3/22/20, 3-6 pm) I will discuss surviving heartbreak. Until then, dear Reader, I remain your friend.

THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, REARVIEW MIRROR IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER