#SelfHelp

The Indecision Conundrum

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THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “THE INDECISION CONUNDRUM” IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

 

Hello again, Dear Reader.  This article will again be a departure from previous articles. Moving away from psychology, I will discuss the indecision conundrum. Let’s take a closer look.

 

The Indecision Conundrum:

When we hear the word indecision, we often have a negative connotation surrounding this concept. However, a guru once wrote, “If in doubt, wait.” These words have guided me through much of my life. So, what if we reframed indecision as positive rather than some kind of failing? This is the indecision conundrum that I refer to: the choice between inaction and an impulsive decision.

Merrian-Webster defines indecision as:

A wavering between two or more possible courses of action: irresolution; faltering; hesitance; vacillation.

As you can see, this definition is far from positive with the exception of the word, “hesitance”. The word hesitance does not necessarily imply failure. In fact, hesitance can indeed be very adaptive in one’s life.

Hesitance is defined as, “to delay momentarily; to pause”. This pause can be beneficial, as long as the moratorium ends and a decision is made. Some do get caught in the trap of indecision. Thus, the indecision conundrum.

Abundant parables of life exist…parables meant to guide the way. However, often these parables paint indecision as a failing. Yet, how many of us have run headlong into a situation without sufficient reflection upon the possible outcomes of our actions? The consequences of our actions without proper thought can definitely be disastrous.

Thus, we can clearly see the indecision conundrum represents dialectically-opposing views. Those views being, patiently waiting to choose as more information presents itself, “weighing out our options” vs. taking action, “seizing the day” and ignoring our intuition.

The trick appears to be pausing long enough to gather sufficient data while not procrastinating. The illustrations just presented can hopefully provide some understanding regarding the indecision conundrum. Much of what you have read are cliches that we’ve probably heard all our lives. We typically adopt the cliches that we feel best suit us. Therefore, we can justify taking action, or not taking action, based upon these indoctrinated beliefs.

What if we were to throw away these old adages and colloquialisms? What if indecision were reframed as a positive life-tool? This is well within our power; to adopt new beliefs and/or discard beliefs that no longer serve us. Thereby, we transmute the negative connotations we may have about waiting, and use the wait to our advantage.

These words, “use the wait” could prove to be quite valuable. That is, if we don’t abuse the wait. Another quote can offer some edification here, “By not choosing, you have chosen”…again, the indecision conundrum. However, by using the wait effectively, we can more often than not benefit from reflection.

Reflection:

With reflection, we can more likely come up with alternates we may not have considered before. Reflection on our values and goals helps to prepare us for life’s uncertainties. As uncertainty appears to be a mainstay in life, one’s awareness of uncertainty and the limits of knowledge offer us a different perspective. We find that most problems invariably have multiple solutions. By reflecting upon solutions, we empower ourselves. We offer ourselves the best possible answers to our afflictions and we can escape the indecision conundrum.

Conclusions:

Indecision has had a negative connotation, often painted as weakness. I propose that we reframe indecision as something more…something more akin to wisdom. By waiting to decide while perusing options, we can make better, more effective choices. Furthermore, by embracing the wait, asking questions and writing down our ideas we see that waiting is not necessarily faltering, but instead it is a strength with which we can capitalize. Finally, by being mindful of the length of our wait, we can make efficient choices while not falling into the indecision conundrum.

As always, Dear Reader, please feel free to leave comments and/or questions below in “Join the discussion”. I check back throughout the week to look for your thoughts. Until next time, stay safe and healthy. Cheers!

 

 

 

THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “THE INDECISION CONUNDRUM” IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

 

Integrity And You

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THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “INTEGRITY AND YOU” IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

 

Hello again, Dear Reader.  This article will again be something of a departure from previous, and perhaps more technical articles. Moving away from psychology-proper, I will discuss ethics and integrity. Let’s take a closer look.

Integrity:

If you randomly ask someone to define integrity, you may find that even those who consider themselves to be well-educated are at a loss to define this abstract concept. Many say it is more of a feeling…a feeling of “doing the right thing”.

Obviously, in our uncertain world, the right thing may not be readily apparent. For the purposes of this article, I will now refer to Merriam-Webster for a proper definition of integrity. Integrity is defined as:

1.) Firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values: Incorruptibility.

2.) The quality or state of being undivided: Completeness.

Completeness. Incorruptibility. Undivided. In my mind, this equates to wholeness…a wholeness or integrity with which you conduct yourself in your daily life. This harkens back to a previous article entitled, “Cognitive Dissonance”. You may recall that cognitive dissonance refers to the psychological conflict that arises when incongruous beliefs are simultaneously held. This is a compartmentalization  of beliefs and values allows for conflicting values to be held intact without mental stress.

Integrity in Action:

It appears that many individuals tend to almost absorb the ideas that conflict with their own. However, many others demonstrate true integrity. These are the people who will not compromise their values. They have reflected upon their lives and determined that adhering to well thought out values is worthwhile, offering a path in the storm.

Some examples may assist with our understanding of integrity in action. For example, if one values privacy but continues to invade the privacy of others, cognitive dissonance is likely at work resulting in compromised integrity. If an individual says that they value compassion, but then selfishly shows none to others in need, cognitive dissonance is often the culprit. If one claims to value loyalty, but practices deceit on a regular basis, there is No integrity to be discerned here.

A person with integrity will review their values on a regular basis and make changes as needed…as life changes us. To be clear, this is not a dualistic, dogmatic, indoctrinated value system, but instead one that has been reflected upon and modified as knowledge changes. This is a relativistic, reflective manner in which to live our lives. However, when certain values are determined as worthwhile, these values will stand the test of time. These are the values that are tried and true, deemed as useful in living our lives. These are the values that support us in our journeys.


Write it Down:

To nurture our integrity, I believe we have to fully and completely define our current values. By writing down what we value most in our lives, we can refer to this prioritized list when we are confronted with incongruence in others…incongruence that may shake us to our core…but we first have to know what that core is.

This is often the reason many experience cognitive dissonance…we want the confusion to go away so that we will feel better. We desire to ultimately feel better about our lives and our decisions. Cognitive dissonance “encourages” us to put away our personal beliefs into lock-boxes in our brains. Oftentimes we do this in order to maintain relationships with others who are not of like-mind. Writing down our values can help.

By writing down what we value, we can refer back to this list when we face adversity. When those around you fall into confusion, you will have the means by which to reaffirm your values, or perhaps when new knowledge is discerned, to throw them away completely and reinvent yourself. Either way, you choose your course of action  based upon a rational, reflective stance. You ultimately choose your reality, which does not have to confirm to others.

Conclusions:

Integrity is a multifaceted, abstract concept that many cannot define. Consequently, many do not demonstrate integrity. It is actually illogical to expect those individuals lacking in the basic knowledge of this concept to demonstrate this vital characteristic. Yet, integrity guides us through the myriad of pitfalls we may encounter in our lives. This wholeness, completeness, and corruptibility can make our path impermeable to assault. By writing down what we value most in life, we arm ourselves with the necessary ammunition to brave the assaults we must face while maintaining our dignity.

As always, Dear Reader, please feel free to leave comments and/or questions below in “Join the discussion”. I check back throughout the week to look for your thoughts. Until next time, stay safe and healthy. Cheers!

 

 

THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “INTEGRITY AND YOU” IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

 

SELF-DISCIPLINE DO YOU HAVE IT OR IS IT DEVELOPED?

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Do you have self-discipline?  This article will cover the meaning of self-discipline that can apply to all areas of your life.  I am going through a stage where self discipline is lacking inside me.  Self-discipline is about routine.  The only way self-discipline works for us is if we establish a routine.  It takes 21 days of doing something consistently to develop a routine.  Self-discipline is at the heart of this.  We need to strengthen self-discipline with baby steps.  It takes just one small step to begin a series of steps to reach a goal but you must develop self-discipline or tap into it to get to a place to take those steps.  

Let’s take a look at the meaning of self-discipline in our Webster Dictionary and daily wisdom words meaning.

Self-discipline-Correction or regulation of oneself for the sake of improvement.

Daily Wisdom Words Definition-acceptance of our faults and who we are and working off positive affirmation to develop self-discipline.  

It is quite simple.  When we “hate” ourselves for eating too much or putting things off, we need to accept this is just as much a part of yourself as loving yourself and making positive changes.  Not only do you need to believe in yourself, you need to center yourself to be around people that support what it is you are trying to achieve.  Many people believe self-discipline starts with will power.  This may work for a few of us, but that will-power must come from somewhere.  If we cannot think well of ourselves, will-power is hard to develop. How do we change?

1.  we must start change with our own self-talk.  Shaming ourselves may work to begin with but ultimately leads to failure.  If we don’t feel good about ourselves bad self-talk leads to poor self-discipline.

2.  accept yourself for who you are.  This includes our weaknesses and our strengths.  This takes time and change of self-talk, and small steps leading to ultimately winning the race.

3.  Do written affirmations.  Sit down and write over and over again what makes you unique and special.  Then write over and over again, visualizing success of the goal or change you seek to achieve.  

4.  Start with getting on a schedule of some kind.  I believe those people that develop a schedule, starts the beginning of self-discipline.

5.  always surround yourself with people who correlate positive self-talk and encouragement.

Thanks so much for reading about self-discipline today.  Start with this:  YOU CAN DO IT.  YOU WILL BE SUCCESSFUL AND YOU DO LOVE YOURSELF, STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES AS WELL.  Last but not least, if you do fall, get back up, dust yourself off and keep moving towards your goals through your positive self-discipline.  

Samantha LeBoeuf/DWW    Please take a moment and look at the ten reasons why you should become a member of daily wisdom words in our last month of offering a lifetime membership for just $10.  

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Seeking Your Inner Self

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THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE ENTITLED, “SEEKING YOUR INNER SELF” IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

 

Hello again, Dear Reader. This week’s topic is about seeking your inner self. The paths of life are many; there are numerous demands and choices we must face in our lives. The  variety of roles we must play are many. Oftentimes, the many hats we wear can be exhausting. These daily demands and challenges can interfere with what many may call, “finding oneself”…seeking that core of us that is unique but connected. Let’s take a closer look.

 

 

 

Our Roles:

I believe that seeking your inner self is often in direct opposition to maintaining all the responsibilities we collect. We collect these chores as part of our larger desires…desires for a family, a home, a career, vacations, toys…all these desires have a price. As our material desires are fulfilled, we trade some portion of our peace of mind. This is often the case because we must run at a faster pace to  keep up with the demands we have  accumulated. We juggle these identities of father, mother, sister, brother, career person but we tend to neglect our spiritual self.

To be a householder in our modern world means sacrifice and responsibility. With family members each having their own agenda (their own desires and needs),  a person may find themselves treading water, trying to hold on until the next deluge. This leaves little time for self reflection. Seeking your inner self is often put on a back burner while chores are tended to…not a perfect recipe for enlightenment. Therefore, actively making time to seek your inner self can seem almost impossible. However, this is a worthy endeavor that can truly enhance one’s life.

 

 

Making Time:

Making time for self improvement is something we must strive for. Of course, we can’t actually make time…what we have to do is shift some of our priorities and place ourselves at the top of the list. This is much easier said than done. I’m not suggesting to switch to an ego-centered, selfish persona. However, I do believe that many of us not only put ourselves last, oftentimes we are not even on the list. I’ve done this for a great deal of my life and I do not recommend it.

 

Seeking your inner self requires that you do place yourself somewhere in your life- equation. You can’t help others if you are depleted and frazzled. Therefore, it is imperative that some down time involving self care and self soothing is present.

 

 

Self Care:

Self care requires that one actively seeks a place in life for a spiritual journey. It is indeed a journey, and along the way one can achieve peace and respite. Yet, for this journey to ensue, one must have the resolve necessary to pursue self awareness. But, one must not only pursue self realization but also embrace the unknown and let go of attachments. We must wrench our shelves free ourselves of attachments and desire the esoteric rather the material.

 

 

Self Improvement:

How we go about seeking our inner self can be quite varied. Exercise, yoga, and meditation can be the desired end result we strive to achieve. However, successfully adding these to our daily routine takes time…I like to think of it as baby steps. I began this spiritual journey when I was 21 and much has changed since that time. What hasn’t changed is my commitment to nourishing my soul. Let’s look at some steps one can take towards self realization.

Write It:

Writing down the questions we have regarding our spirituality can be a good first step towards seeking your inner self. The age-old questions such as, “What is my purpose?”, “What goals do I wish to achieve?”, “What dreams do I have?”, “Are these dreams attainable?”, “What motivates me?” and, “What are my passions?”…these questions can be written down in order to operationalize our desires. Keeping these goals in the forefront of our lives can help us to prioritize our existence. Knowing what our values and beliefs are can help cement our identity with integrity.

 

 

Live It:

Living the life of a seeker can be difficult. Seeking your inner self requires tactics and strategies … a plan of action. Writing things down in and of itself will not get you the peace of mind you may be seeking. As I’ve written previously here on DWW, exercise, yoga, breathing techniques and meditation are all options when seeking oneself. Physical exercise should be tailored to individual needs and not be excessive. Yoga requires small steps as well, working your way towards more complex postures. Breathing techniques help ameliorate daily stresses and are also varied. Meditation takes many forms and trying some of the different types to find a good fit may take time. Please refer to previous DWW articles for further explanation regarding these techniques.

 

Conclusions:

Seeking your inner self is life long journey. Defining your goals, dreams and values help with personal edification.  Furthermore, exercise, yoga, breathing techniques and meditation can enhance one’s ability to juggle the many role we take on in life. When we are able to manage our choices, we find a way through the householder lifestyle towards the lifestyle of a seeker.

 

As always, Dear Reader, please feel free to leave comments and/or questions below in “Join the discussion”. I check back throughout the week to look for your thoughts. Until next time, stay safe and healthy. Cheers!

 

 

THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE ENTITLED, “SEEKING YOUR INNER SELF” IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

 

 

 

What We Owe Our Children

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THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “WHAT WE OWE OUR CHILDREN” IS BY DR.SHANNI DOVER

 

 

Hello again, Dear Reader. For this week’s installment I will discuss what we owe our children. This topic was spurred by a brief conversation with a friend which made me wonder what “shoulds, oughts and musts” we might all have in our baggage. As previously discussed here on DWW, these imperatives we tell ourselves may not be rational. Therefore, the things we decide we “should, ought or must” do can conflict with a larger reality.  Let’s take a closer look!

 

 

Irrational Beliefs:

Our irrational thoughts and beliefs can sometimes overwhelm us. We tell ourselves things that we typically have been indoctrinated to believe. As we cannot transcend our culture, these beliefs can wreak havoc in our lives.

However, this convoluted system of do’s and don’ts can be manipulated by our actions. These actions can alter our ideas of “right and wrong” thereby perhaps changing our ideas about what we owe our children.

With higher education, our advanced degrees and our life experiences go hand in hand to create our worlds. With focus on flexibility during adversity, tolerance for ambiguity can be improved over time. This offers the individual the opportunity to grow beyond their inculcated belief systems, including thoughts regarding what we owe our children. And yes, although we cannot truly transcend our culture, we can certainly remove some of the blinders from our eyes and see another perspective.

 

drawing showing negativity and rumination

 

 

Our Demands:

Our demands upon ourselves and our lives can be enormous. We struggle through life’s many changes, often feeling as if we are starving for air. Furthermore, the demands others impose on us can muddy the waters even more. What we owe our children can become obscured in the mire.

 

When we take stock of our value system, we can perhaps get a better idea of what beliefs are actually a good fit for us. In fact, our values shape what demands we impose on ourselves and others.

When we become parents, we typically model parental values and behaviors. We impose these beliefs over the larger reality we meet in life. We look for congruence between what our parents taught us through example, and what we are learning in our lifetime. We can begin to see areas in which we differ immensely from our parents. When we can see these differences, we begin to create our own system of values.

 

Our Legacy:

We can certainly understand how ideas are shaped regarding what we owe our children. We could likely survey thousands and each response may be different. Responses would be according to our culture and corresponding values.

 

Ultimately, what we owe our children is an ill-defined problem/issue. This means that there is no “right or wrong” answer. There is no algorithm or heuristic to turn to for the solution. Therefore, we as human beings often fall back on our indoctrinated belief systems instilled by our family and our culture. That being said, some would say that we owe them some type of inheritance, typically monies and/or property that translates into money. This is certainly not uncommon.

I propose that,  given there is no right or wrong answer, we as individuals can determine what we owe our children. And we don’t have to rely on indoctrinated values; instead, we can be observers in the world and learn from the example of others. Yes, those others will also have indoctrinated beliefs; however, if we take a global perspective, we will then be subject to a plethora of cultural differences that can serve to enlighten and expand our minds.

 

Before I conclude, I will now humbly present my personal thoughts about what we owe our children; the legacy left behind. Primarily, I believe what we owe our children is our love. Sure. But what does that love equate to, in other words, how do we quantify this legacy of love?

I believe that a legacy of love involves sharing our attention and time. Our time is our life’s-blood. By offering our time and attention, we are truly giving of ourselves. When we are present, and actively teaching along the way, we are giving a gift far greater than the material. We are sharing part of ourselves, our little spots of wisdom we have accumulated. Whether far or near, every day we can offer our children some bit of comfort or knowledge that can serve them in the future.

 

Beyond that, I believe what we owe our children is the right to fail. Adversity is a tremendous teacher. When given the opportunity, human beings can very often “rise to the occasion” and grow well beyond all expectations. As the quote goes, “Life is an occasion, rise to it!”

Allowing our children to struggle to some degree, but being there as a support, can be the exact perturbation discussed by Piaget regarding intellectual development. These perturbations can forge us into smarter, stronger and more compassionate individuals. This is what we need in the world.

 

I could go on and on, but I will end this discussion here, Dear Reader. As always, please feel free to leave comments and/or questions below in “Join the discussion”… I look throughout the week for your thoughts. Until next time, stay safe and healthy. Cheers!

 

 

THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “WHAT WE OWE OUR CHILDREN” IS BY DR.SHANNI DOVER

 

 

Facing Challenges

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THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “FACING CHALLENGES” IS DR. SHANNI DOVER

Hello again, Dear Reader. This week I have chosen to discuss facing challenges. This past week was particularly difficult for me as I had to face the possible death of a pet; he had a 50/50 chance of waking up from the anesthesia after surgery. As one who has faced much adversity, I was stoic and tried to remain positive. However, I began to think of all the challenges I had already faced; I was ready to let go if necessary. Ernie lives but I am still feeling the effects of that stress.

Challenges:

Facing challenges is a necessary part of life. Therefore, I  prefer the word challenges rather than hardships or problems. This word, “challenges” implies that we can overcome; we can reinvent ourselves and our lives.

”Accept the challenges so that you can feel the exhilaration of victory.”

-Lydia Mulgado

I believe that facing challenges help to forge us into stronger individuals; thereby, perhaps, facing challenges can even serve to make us more caring. We can quietly begin to note that our ability to to solve problems over time can be enhanced.

Challenges Must Be Faced:

Psychological research over the years supports this notion, that facing challenges makes us who we are. Therefore, dilemmas faced and survived can be a powerful learning opportunity. Our ability to face perturbing life events can be improved over our life span. Research by Jean Piaget (1959;1971), William Perry (1950-1060; 1970; 1981) and, Kelly et al (1990) supports the notion that the density of cognitive conflict provides the condition for cognitive growth.

Given that facing challenges is an inescapable part of life; consequently, I think it is important that we realize our connectedness on this battleground. We all must face challenges, large, small, and with varying levels of importance. Herein lies our humanity, our connection to one another. Therefore, I will now present a summary of an article by Alden Tan entitled, “7 Challenges in Life You Need to Deal With” (2015). Perhaps this article can illustrate our implicit ties to one another so that we can see ourselves in others while facing challenges together.

1.) Emotions – We all struggle with our emotions from time to time; remember they are only passing through, like ships passing in the night.

2.)Toxic people – Toxic people can certainly be viewed as obstacles; learn to sort through these individuals.

3.) Unfairness in life – I’ve often said over the years, ‘The only fair in life is at the carnival.’ Life constantly changes. The ups and downs in life (vicissitudes) are unavoidable. Facing challenges with courage and grace is key; embrace these opportunities to grow.

4.) Your job – Always remember, you are Not your job. Don’t over identify and do your own personal best.

5.) Positive thinking – Shaping your thoughts is a difficult challenge. Have patience with yourself and overcome your irrational, negative thoughts to create the reality you desire.

6.) Meeting people – Don’t fear; don’t put others on a pedestal. Everyone makes judgements; learn to put their notions into perspective…you are not them.

7.) Yourself – Keep pushing yourself to avoid stagnation and complacency; be the best version of you. As a great poet once wrote, “Learn to labor and to wait”

 

Thanks for stopping by, Dear Reader. Remember to feel free to comment and/or ask questions below in, “Join the discussion”. I look forward to your words throughout my week. Until next time, stay safe and healthy. Cheers!

THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “FACING CHALLENGES” IS DR. SHANNI DOVER

 

 

Brain Health As We Age

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THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE ENTITLED, “BRAIN HEALTH AS WE AGE” IS BY DR.SHANNI DOVER

 

 

Hello again, Dear Reader. For this installment, I will discuss brain health as we age. Many adults struggle with vitality, mobility, independence and memory. These changes are often inevitable. In fact, I was compelled to write about this topic due to my own brain health.

 

As we notice our energies draining more quickly, or we’ve forgotten why we entered a room, often we seek solutions. Some rush to take supplements such as Ginkgo-Biloba and Omega 3 Fatty acids. Others throw themselves into activities as a distraction.

The brain is a muscle and requires regular exercise or, like any muscle, it will atrophy…deteriorate. Regardless of when see see a decline, whether in our late 30’s, 50’s or beyond, it is imperative that we investigate possible remedies to ameliorate these issues. Therefore, a perusal of literature regarding brain health as we age is relevant.

 

Although we have learned much about brain health as we age, a wealth of information is yet to be discovered. Psychologists referred to the brain as “the black box”, holding information with no way to access it; only supposition. This is still true in many respects. Yet, as technology has progressed, PET scans have provided vital data as to how the brain functions. Thus, tactics to augment brain health as we age help to keep the brain healthy, perhaps reducing the risk of diseases such as Alzheimer’s.

I will now review an article entitled, “9 Ways to Keep An Aging Brain Smart” by Evan Didisheim (2018) for your consideration. Didisheim believes the key to keeping our brains healthy is engagement.

  • Read – The Mayo Clinic Study of Aging found that reading could lead to a 50% decrease in one’s chances of developing Dementia. Only a half an hour a day is recommended.
  • Go back to school – Look into options in a community college or adult learning center. Tuition wavers are often available for older adults.
  • Play games and puzzles – A few minutes a day with a crossword puzzle, Sudoku, Scrabble and/or jigsaw puzzles can stimulate the brain and you may see improvements in your creativity, memory and decision making skills.
  • Pick up an instrument – With regards to brain health as we age, picking up a musical instrument can improve areas of the brain that control hearing, memory and hand movements.
  • Write – Picking up a pen or pencil helps to stimulate areas of the brain that control thinking, language and memory…so start those journals!
  • Sleep –It is a myth that we require less sleep as we age; in fact, sleep provides the brain needed respite to function efficiently. Seven to eight hours per night is still the rule of thumb, however, listen to your body! You may need more.
  • Exercise – Researchers at the University of Arizona determined that not only is exercise good for your physicality, it is also good for the brain. Exercise can help blood flow to the brain. This increases oxygen levels, thereby reducing the risk of strokes, heart attacks, Diabetes, Alzheimer’s and Dementia. Thirty minutes a day is recommended; even merely walking can improve brain health as we age.
  • Eat healthy – Brain health as we age can be enhanced by providing the body with a good balance of nutrients. Sugar, fried foods and highly processed foods should be avoided; fresh fruits, vegetables, lean proteins and nuts are recommended.
  • Socialize – Certainly with the presence of COVID-19, social distancing is being practiced by many individuals; however, Gerontology studies reveal that brain health as we age can be augmented through relationships. So, make those phone calls, send those texts and enjoy FaceTime! Don’t be shy to reach out to others.

Finally, I would like to add to the above list with the help of an article by Heidi Rossetti entitled, “Ballroom to Boogie: How Dancing Can Improve Senior’s Brain Health”. Yes, dancing is indeed exercise and therefore is obviously good for you. But dancing can also be fun and challenging, even for those of us who balter.

Rossetti reports that dancing requires much “brain work”…thus we can improve our brain health as we age while enjoying ourselves. Dancing involves muscle memory, just like when riding a bicycle. Furthermore, dancing engages the short- and long-term memory, as well as decision making abilities, particularly if dancing with a partner. Music adds another layer by stimulating the brain’s “reward centers” in which Dopamine, the feel-good chemical is released into the bloodstream. We almost immediately notice the effects of Dopamine and we feel pleasure.

 

In conclusion, it is possible to maintain our brain health as we age. By practicing some or all of these tactics, individuals can stave off diseases such as Dementia. Living an active, healthy life into old age not only enhances our lives, it can prolong our existence.

 

As always, Dear Reader, please feel free to make comments or ask questions below in “Join the discussion”. I check back throughout the week to look for your thoughts. Until next time, be good to each other …stay safe and happy!

 

THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE ENTITLED, “BRAIN HEALTH AS WE AGE” IS BY DR.SHANNI DOVER

 

 

 

Poetry For The Soul

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Hello again, Dear Reader. For this week’s installment, I am trying something quite different. With the desire to offer you inspiration in dark days, I have selected some poetry for your perusal.

Being a novice at writing poetry, I have been trying my hand at Japanese-style poetry. Many are likely familiar with the Haiku. This style of poetry consists of three lines containing 5, 7 and 5 syllables to equal a total of 17 syllables. Some may not be familiar with the Japanese Tanka. This poetry consists of 31 syllables containing five lines with 5, 7, 5, 7 and 7 syllables, respectively.

It is my intention that in reading some of this poetry, a sense of hope may overtake confusion and frustration even if for only a little while. So without further explanation, I present for your enjoyment a bit of poetry to soothe the soul. I will begin by presenting one of my favorite poets, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, and a poem that has inspired me since my early teen years, A Psalm Of Life…

 

Now I will share part of my heart with you, Dear Reader, and humbly offer you my words…

Haiku:

As the seasons pass
The mystery of life smiles
Trusting the future

 

An open heart gives
Joyfully sharing its light
Revealing brilliance

 

Colors bursting forth
All possibilities near
The future reclaimed

 

December in bloom
Sunshine warms this desert land
Winter upon us

 

No guards at the keep
All battlements are removed
Moments now are safe

 

Paths not clearly seen
A perilous journey made
Traversing forward

 

Just left of center
Here to offer up a smile
Misfit but standing

 

Although the sky laughed
And the cold did steal within
Warmth returned again

 

Tanka:

 

The rains wash the land
Lady bugs bees and birds know
Comforts such as these
Shoots of green still holding on
Nature’s embrace wild and free

 

Eyes fixed on a star
We embrace this mystery
Unknowns accepted
Clinging to one another
Knowing we possess true wealth

 

Marking off time
I watched the threads unravel
My soul was exposed
Quickly moving for cover
Here I saved myself at last

 

Watching from above
Whilst painting a stand of trees
Willows pines and firs
Whispering sweet songs to me
Awaiting something sacred

 

Pastures of yellow
Mountains cling tight to fog
Biting winds whip past
Gray overcast skies above
The grip of Winter tightens

 

Faithfulness as guide
Resilience rewarded
Suffering relieved
On these shores I rest my head
Amid the foam and moonlight

 

After the deluge
When hope dangled like a twig
At the twelfth hour
The voice of fate softly spoke
Lending kindness to lost souls

 

In closing, Dear Reader, I remind you to please endeavor to keep your love and hope alive. I wish for you endless inspiration as you face your daily challenges. Be not disheartened. The winds of change always blow.

As always, please feel free to comment below in “Join The Discussion”…I do check back throughout the week for your questions, thoughts and comments. Until next time, Dear Reader, please stay strong, safe and healthy! Cheers!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cognitive Dissonance

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THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “COGNITIVE DISSONANCE” IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

Hello again, Dear Reader. This week I will discuss cognitive dissonance. This concept has been around for many years. Today, cognitive dissonance is still relevant. We will look at the genesis of this term, as well as how it may be at work in our lives. Let’s take a closer look!

Cognitive Dissonance:

Cognitive dissonance is a term coined by Leon Festinger (1957). Eliot Aronson (1959) also researched the concept. The theory suggests that we as human beings prefer to be in harmony with others, therefore we seek to avoid disharmony, AKA dissonance. This concept is known as cognitive consistency. Thus, people tend to take steps to reduce this feeling of dissonance; something must be changed to reduce the feeling. The causes of this feeling are varied and represent the need for balance (homeostasis) in the individual.

Using politics as an example, cognitive dissonance can be manifest since voting itself is the act of making a decision. Therefore, when we vote we may tend to defend the actions of the person we voted for when we hear of their negative, even illegal actions. It is also noted that if the decision was close, the effects of cognitive dissonance will be greater.

Causes of Dissonance:

According to Festinger (1959), there are three causes of cognitive dissonance. Those are as follows.

1.) Forced compliance behavior – When someone is publicly forced to do something they would not do in private, dissonance is created. The behavior being in the past, nothing can be done to change it. Therefore to reduce dissonance, re-evaluation ensues and oftentimes people will modify their original beliefs.

2.) Decision making – Decisions generally arouse cognitive dissonance because once decisions are made, we must then live with the consequences of our actions, good or bad. When there are bad consequences, cognitive dissonance compels us to modify our ideas to reduce the discomfort. We do this through ‘mental maneuvers’ in which we increase the attractiveness of our choice by decreasing the attractiveness of other options. This is termed, ‘spreading apart the alternatives’.

3.) Effort – People often value more highly the goals that were difficult to achieve. If our goals turn out negatively, cognitive dissonance occurs; therefore, we may spend an inordinate amount of time convincing ourselves that the goal really wasn’t arduous to achieve, and that things turned out well. This is termed, ‘effort justification’. We redefine our experience.

Resolving Cognitive Dissonance:

Cognitive dissonance can be resolved in one of three ways: changing existing beliefs, adding new beliefs, or reducing the importance of our beliefs. First, by changing our beliefs to align with others, we reduce the discomfort. Next, we add credence to our beliefs by seeking to acquire new information to counteract the negative feelings. Finally, we may attempt to negate the importance of our beliefs by diminishing the value of a belief.

Aronson redefined the concept of cognitive dissonance in order to reduce he ambiguity of said term. Aronson’s definition is: the inconsistency between our self concept and the cognitive awareness of our behavioral actions.

Therefore, we attempt to reduce the feeling of cognitive dissonance by modifying our ideas. However, there are certainly cases in which dissonance can also help us to establish positive behaviors by usurping old ideas and replacing them with more positive habits. This being said, cognitive dissonance is most often the result of making decisions that conflict with our value system, thus leading us to compromise those values.

Preventing Cognitive Dissonance:

Moira Lawler (2018) determined that cognitive dissonance is by definition tension. She notes that being proactive may minimize this tension and reinstate a feeling of harmony.

To counteract cognitive dissonance, we must practice being mindful (Noulas). In previous articles, we have discussed mindfulness as being in the present. By being in the present, we have more control over our immediate situation. Noulas reports that when we are mindful, we can take time to check our feelings when conflict or tension arises…and we do not act impulsively. Noulas suggested some actions we can take to achieve this state of equilibrium:

1.) Journaling – This tactic is widely regarded as beneficial to ameliorate stresses. As cognitive dissonance creates stress, the writers out there may find this to be helpful.
2.) Talking to a friend – For those who tend to be more verbal, talking it out can relieve the effects of stress we encounter in our lives and thus can reduce the discomfort of cognitive dissonance.
3.) Exercising- This tactic tends to be useful to many individuals to reduce the plethora of stresses with which we struggle daily.
4.) Meditation and/or Yoga – The benefits of delving into your spiritual side are numerous. If stress reduction is your aim, this may be for you.
5.) Therapy – This self-pampering tactic has worked for many, but not for others. Some research is required to find a good fit.
6.) Seek a spiritual advisor – Researching the options in this regard would be prudent if this choice seems to resonate with you.

Conclusions:

Cognitive dissonance (Festinger) is the stress created when we take actions that are inconsistent with our belief systems. Cognitive dissonance is caused because of forced compliance, decision making and effort. We see cognitive dissonance at work in all walks of life, from our political decisions to romantically-based choices. We can preemptively combat cognitive dissonance through the practice of mindfulness. Journaling, meditation, yoga, exercise, talking it out, therapy and seeking mentors can ameliorate the effects of cognitive dissonance.

As always, Dear Reader, please feel free to ask questions and/or leave comments below in ‘join the discussion’. I typically check back throughout the week for your thoughts. Until next time, stay safe and healthy!

THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “COGNITIVE DISSONANCE” IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

SELF-SABOTAGING: MORE COMMON THAN YOU THINK

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Self-Sabotaging is more common than most of us think.  In fact, statistics show many of us self-sabotage and aren’t even aware we are doing it.  What exactly does self-sabotaging mean?  The dictionary describes it as this:  Webster Dictionary Meaning:  the sabotaging, whether consciously or subconsciously, of oneself.  Daily Wisdom Words Definition-to destroy or corrupt oneself by hurting our own success.  We often self-sabotage whether we are aware of it or not, by destroying their best interests at heart.  They destroy their own success  through dysfunctional and distorted beliefs that lead them to underestimate their capabilities, suppress their feelings, or lash out at those around them.  Behavior is said to be self-sabotaging when we create problems in daily life and interfere with long standing goals.

The most common self-sabotaging behaviors include procrastination, self-medication with drugs or alcohol, comfort eating, and forms of self-injury such as cutting, or over-eating, or developing eating disorders such as anorexia or bulimia according to an article in “Psychology Today”.  How do we stop self-sabotaging?  We all realize where we would like to go and have a pretty good idea of how to get there, but we procrastinate in various ways.  We will literally waste time with things we tell ourselves must be done consciously, when we are only creating the necessity to do them to self-sabotage our own goals.  There are five different ways to stop self sabotaging.  One is to go to seek professional help from psychologists, or counselors or psychiatrists, who specialize in behavior modification. I read an article written by Andrea Bonior Ph.D who has suggested stopping the following behaviors.

The if-only fantasy is one of her five reasons we self-sabotage and do it so effectively.  We think to ourselves, if only I were in a different financial situation I would finish college.  “if only” my partner could change his behavior our relationship would work.  Notice the examples she uses are ones that we have no control over changing, so in this sense we destroy meeting our best self and executing our set goals.  We can try to fix this by changing our thinking and saying to ourselves, “X is this way and Y is that way” accepting that certain things can’t be changed and that we can’t undo our past but we can change our present and future.  What is more effective according to Andrea Bonior Ph.D, is to “define your shine”.  another way we sabotage our success is being afraid of our own thoughts.  When we suppress thoughts, we give them more power to control us, and they do.  We make excuses for these thoughts rather than process them.  We need to acknowledge our thoughts and face them, therefore addressing them and processing them appropriately.  

Another way we sabotage ourselves is by burying our feelings. We often, due to fear, don’t allow our feelings to be processed accordingly.  Sometimes we bury our feelings out of guilt, and sometimes out of fear of what we may do.  To feel angry about a situation, is very different than acting on your emotions unleashing them on the world.  Feelings, when hidden corrode us from the inside out, thereby causing chaos and destruction.  Acknowledging your feelings doesn’t make them spin out of control.  Putting a lid on your feelings does.

Another way we sabotage ourselves is “habitually starting tomorrow”.  We eat too much one day and tell ourselves, tomorrow we will start over with a clean slate.  Why not, after realizing what we did do we not state a clean slate in 15 minutes?  The longer we wait to start change, the longer it won’t start.  

Yet another way, we self-destruct is by letting inertia harm us rather than help us.  The more we stay on target with our goals, whatever they are, the easier it is to set permanent patterns.  If we buy new gym pants, don’t focus so much on the pants.  They may never get worn.  Focus on the workout itself.  Inertia can be positive or negative.  I am sure you have heard the saying, “a body in motion stays in motion.”  This is inertia working for us.  Obviously, the opposite, never moving, is inertia working against us.  

Join Daily Wisdom Words, a full access writing community and if you participate, by reading the articles, doing our live prompts and taking advantage of your free counseling as well as your own advertising page, a social media page we give to all writers, YOU WILL BECOME A BETTER WRITER.  This article on self-sabotaging, only taking some of its advice gets you one step closer.  Thanks for reading!  Samantha LeBoeuf

 

 

 

Forgiveness

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THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “FORGIVENESS” IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

 

Hello again, Dear Reader. For this installment I will be discussing forgiveness. Forgiveness is defined by Webster Merriam as, “the act of forgiving.” Needless to say, this definition leaves much to be desired. Therefore, we look again to the field of psychology for edification. Psychologists have defined forgiveness as:

A conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness…forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses.

(Greatergood.UCBerkeley.edu)

This more thorough definition certainly better describes this concept. However, as usual we must look for ways of implementing this notion. Forgiveness can provide immense peace of mind. Nevertheless, this is something I think most of us struggle with, including me. Nagging thoughts of wrong-doing can certainly steal our sleep. We think of these assaults to our being and we ruminate. Yet we can work towards forgiveness.

Practicing Forgiveness:

 I now refer to the following article by Dr. Wayne Dyer entitled, “How To Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You: In 15 Steps”; there are practical tidbits here that allow you to free yourself from nagging thoughts, as summarized below:

 

  • Move on to the next act – Your life is a play, in several acts; embrace the villains well as the good guys.
  • Reconnect to spirit- Blend your physical self with your spiritual self and enjoy God-Consciousness; radiate love.
  • Don’t go to sleep angry – Rather than reviewing your day or your life, practice “I Ams”; I am peaceful, I am love, I am content.
  • Switch the focus from blaming others to understanding yourself – Shift your mental energy and allow yourself to focus on your feelings, without feeling wrong or chasing them away; change the way you perceive the power that others have over you by taking responsibility and “aligning yourself with the beautiful dance of life.”
  • Avoid telling people what to do – People make their own choices; listen rather than expound, and replace the ownership mentality with allowing life to unfold.

 

“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you.”

-Kahlil Gibran

 

  • Learn to let go and be like water – Don’t attempt to dominate and fluidly flow; soften your hard edges, be more tolerant and respond to others views with, “I’ve never considered that before, thank you, I’ll give it some thought.”
  • Take responsibility for your part – If you take responsibility for having something in your life, you can also take responsibility for removing it and/or learning from it.
  • Let go of resentments – You may have the ‘right’ to be upset, but resentment survives “not by the conduct of the other party in an altercation…they thrive because you’re unwilling to end the altercation with an offering of kindness, love and authentic forgiveness.”

 

 

“Someone must risk returning injury with kindness, or hostility will never return to goodwill.”

-Lao-Tzu

 

  • Be kind instead of right – There is no need to make others wrong or to retaliate; depersonalize what you hear and meet them with kindness…you must do this for yourself.
  • Practice giving – Leave your ego behind and be a giver of forgiveness; practice saying “Where there is injury, [let me bring] pardon.” – St. Francis
  • Stop looking for occasions to be offended – Become a person who refuses to be offended by anyone or anything; do not judge others as it only defines you as one who Needs to judge others.
  • Don’t live in the past, be present – Be in the now and practice living in the moment by enjoying the beauty around you.
  • Embrace your dark times – Spiritual advances are often preceded by some perceived disaster; embrace and honor them.
  • Refrain from judgement – Instead, be an observer and substitute love for judgement; align yourself with God-Consciousness to touch peace.
  • Send love – Never slip into thoughts of harming others; steadfastly send love to those who may have impeded your happiness.

 

Forgiveness – Letting Yourself Off The Hook:

Finally, let’s talk about another hurdle you must cross in this process of forgiveness: forgiving yourself. We may be angry with others, and that requires forgiveness. However, part of our anger is often directed at ourselves.

Forgiveness is required to let yourself off the hook. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say. We can usually look back at our mistakes and pinpoint where we ‘went wrong’. This is the trap people fall into. This is how anger and disappointment towards ourselves can begin to grow and fester. We take out that broom, and we beat ourselves up for…not being smarter, not seeing through deceit, not trusting our intuition.

 

All thoughts of these possible actions we could have taken are fruitless. The past is over and obsessing over our perceived mistakes will not move us forward. To move forward we not only forgive others, but we also forgive ourselves.

 

I will now refer to an article entitled, “How To Forgive Yourself” by Sara Lindberg (2018) that provides insight into this process of forgiveness. We are all imperfect, and we must learn to move on from our mistakes. Let’s take a look!

 

  • Focus on your emotions – Acknowledge and process your emotions; give yourself permission to accept your feelings.
  • Acknowledge the mistake out loud – Give voice to your thoughts and say what you’ve learned; free yourself from the burden.
  • Think of each mistake as a learning experience – Moving forward faster can be facilitated by changing to this mindset; remind ourselves we did the best we could with the knowledge we had.
  • Give yourself permission to put this process on hold – Visualize putting negative thoughts and feelings into a Mason jar and lock them away; tell yourself that putting this aside for now will be beneficial.
  • Have a conversation with your inner critic – You can write our this conversation; journaling can help you identify self-sabotaging thought patterns.
  • Notice when you are being self-critical – As we are often our own worst critic, we must notice when that harsh voice comes into our awareness and write it down.
  • Quiet the negative messages of your inner critic – Write dawn you inner critic messages on one side of a piece of paper; on the other side, write self-compassionate, rational responses.
  • Get clear about what you want – If it is important to you to make amends, then mending fences may help you to fix your mistake.
  • Take your own advice – Determine what you would advise your best friend to do, then take your own advice.
  • Quit playing the tape – When you catch yourself demeaning yourself, stop replaying the tape; focus on one positive step of action.
  • Show kindness and compassion – Give yourself love and compassion; remind yourself that you are worthy of forgiveness.

 

 

Conclusions:

Forgiveness allows you to let go of guilt, shame and sadness; it allows you to move forward in your life. Letting go of the negative feelings can free you to feel good about yourself, regardless of your mistakes. Practicing forgiveness of yourself and others allows you to accept that mistakes are inevitable, and to learn and grow as a result of our life experiences.

 

As always, Dear Reader, please feel free to ask questions and/or leave comments below in join the discussion. I typically check back throughout the week for your thoughts. Until next time, stay safe and healthy!

 

THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “FORGIVENESS” IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saying No and Creating Boundaries

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THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED “SAYING NO AND CREATING BOUNDARIES “ IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

Hello again, Dear Reader. This week’s topic is about saying no and creating boundaries. This skill is a must in life. No matter how positive and caring we may strive to be, there will be moments in life when saying no is necessary. Let’s take a closer look.

In hindsight, I believe saying no is a skill I wish I had mastered sooner in my life. I’ve often felt in order to be positive, we must have “yes in our hearts”…so much so, I said yes to others when that was the exact wrong answer. So rather than saying, “Let me think about that…”, I rushed to say yes. I believe I did so to in some way validate myself as a good person. Years later, I heard the words, “If in doubt, wait”.

By realizing that saying no and creating boundaries is beneficial, we free ourselves to be the captain of our own ship. We can take charge of our lives! Finding our reserves of strength and self confidence can be the result. In saying no, we learn to empower ourselves. When we don’t allow ourselves to be bullied or coerced into activities we are unsure of, we can then take time to weigh our options.

Quite often, demonstrating uncertainty can be seen by others as a green light towards taking advantage of you. Your perceived vulnerability can be targeted and exploited. However, consider stopping for three beats…a mere 3 seconds. By doing so, you may save yourself from pain and chaos.

Additionally, by demonstrating integrity and resisting the urge to “be nice” and say yes, we allow ourselves time to fully, rationally reflect and explore options. However, we must keep in mind that our best option could ultimately be saying no.

Just Say No:

Just Say No was a popular campaign in the 80’s spearheaded by former FLOTUS Nancy Reagan. This was an anti-drug campaign that provided the slogan, but virtually nothing else. When I interviewed a student during that timeframe, he stated,”You don’t say no in my neighborhood.” That was a profound moment for me. It occurred to me that catchy slogans meant nothing without offering a means of doing so. There is obviously more to a decision than just saying no.

Another factor I feel is important in saying no and creating boundaries, is remaining neutral in our delivery. Our facial expression is neither positive or negative about a suggestion; this allows you to say no while remaining diplomatic.

Therefore, finding ways of saying no and creating boundaries without being offensive offers others the knowledge that you will consider their suggestion. By waiting to offer a reply, you afford yourself the freedom to take control; you provide yourself the time to rationally weigh pros and cons.

Creating Boundaries:

So most of us could likely agree that it’s important to say no. We could also agree that this can be easier said than done. Therefore, finding ways of saying no and creating boundaries that you are comfortable with is so important. Saying no demonstrates your personal commitment to navigating your life as you see fit.

Creating boundaries allows one the freedom to choose. Manipulation by others can thus be mitigated. However, in the spirit of positivity, others certainly can influence our choices in a way that is beneficial to us. Conversely, others often negatively influence our decisions. Saying no and creating boundaries simply facilitates self protection from these said negative influences.

It logically follows that we can protect our integrity by saying no and creating boundaries. It is a healthy alternative to consider. These boundaries allow us to say no while maintaining a positive countenance. I cannot overemphasize the importance of positivity in our interactions with others.

So, given that boundaries can be a good thing, we have the opportunity to develop strategies. What, and how this is done requires finesse. Primarily, this also requires practice. Typically that means repetition. I’ve personally found ways of distancing and saying no but again, I feel that repetition is key. Therefore, I have practiced certain strategies so that they became automatic.

I will now refer to an article I have found to be valuable by Leo Babuata entitled, “The Gentle Art of Saying No” in which the author discusses how to say no while minimizing your stress. Here is a brief summary of his 10 steps in the gentle art of saying no.

1.) Value your time: know your commitments…if your plate is full, day so, “I just can’t right now…I’m overloaded”.
2.) Know your priorities: look at hue you will spend your time; the more commitments, the less time you have to give away.
3.) Practice saying no: the more you do it, the more comfortable you become in doing so.
4.) Don’t apologize: be firm but unapologetic; saying no can be seen as a weakness.
5.) Stop being nice: saying yes all the time can actually hurt you; show that you guard your time.
6.) Say no to your boss: explain you have too many commitments; take into consideration that the boss can always insist.
7.) Pre-empting: it may be easier to pre-empt before a suggestion is made and saying no is required of you.
8.) Get back to you: this statement communicates that you will consider the request.
9.) Maybe later: this communicates that you are keeping your options open.
10.) It’s not you, it’s me: be sincere if you use this phrase; indicate that it’s not the right fit.

Additionally, an old standby that is still useful to me in saying no:

‘That just won’t work for me’ and slight variations you can repeat include:
‘That isn’t going to work for me’
‘It just won’t work for me’
‘No that won’t work for me’

The trick is, when they ask why, you simply repeat variations of the phrase. No apologies. No explanations. This creates a protective boundary for you. Furthermore, if you actually want time to consider the request, a variation could include: No, that won’t work for me right now. Either way, you are in control of your decisions.

 

Conclusions:

Saying no and creating boundaries is an essential skill to master. Although that may be a given, it is easier said than done. Therefore, if we practice saying no and creating boundaries we can create a protective dimension for ourselves; for our integrity.

As always, Dear Reader, please feel free to ask questions and/or leave comments below in join the discussion. I typically check back throughout the week for your thoughts. Until next time, stay safe and healthy!

THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED “SAYING NO AND CREATING BOUNDARIES “ IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

The Anxiety Contagion

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THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “THE ANXIETY CONTAGION” IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

Hello again, dear Reader. I’m back after a brief hiatus. This week I will discuss what I call the anxiety contagion. I will be asking the question, is anxiety contagious? We typically think of contagion as pertaining to physical disease. In our current state of affairs, as we attempt to adjust our lives, I find that people vary widely in their responses to our brave new world.

Generally not being one to panic, I have often stifled my emotions and focused on the logical. However, I now find that I am feeling the effects of the fear of others. Those others I speak of range from friends, to family, to mere acquaintances. The magnitude of these negative thoughts, feelings and comments in a highly concentrated form can have a profound impact on the way we view our lives.

Is Anxiety Contagious?

To address this question, let’s review some of the literature on this topic than can perhaps shed some light on this phenomena. In fact, research indicates that some are actually more prone to anxiety than others. In the face of stress, some individuals do remain more calm. Let’s take a closer look.

The Anxiety Contagion:

According to research recently published (May 2020) in the Journal of Neuroscience, anxiety can become a trait. Some individuals will immediately and habitually respond with fear rather than remain calm in a stressful situation. This is felt to be due to serotonin transporters in the brain’s Amygdala.

As discussed previously in these writings, the Amygdala helps us process our emotions. Serotonin provides a euphoric feeling when released into the bloodstream. However, in the face of relentless stress our systems can become depleted, leaving us with serotonin levels that are much lower than normal. The result is an individual who is less equipped to deal with stress.

So we can understand that some experience more anxiety than others. But can the anxiety of others be ‘transferred’, in a sense, an anxiety contagion? Some believe this is the case.

Following the notion that some can infect others with their anxiety, researchers have posited that “mirror neurons” play a large role in our soaking up the negative energy that may surround us. Mirror neurons are specialized brain cells that fire not only if we are personally involved in a stressful situation, but also if we are witness to stress. Further, the more empathetic you are the more susceptible you may be.

Other researchers have looked at “communicable” stress and attempted to quantify this notion by measuring cortisol levels. Data analysis revealed higher levels of cortisol in those reporting emotional exhaustion and a high density of stressors.

It is easy to see why an anxiety contagion could leave individuals dealing with a lot of free floating anxiety. Combine that with the presence of a real threat to our safety and livelihoods, as with COVID-19; even those who normally have cool heads can be subject to anxiety contagion. So, what do we do?

The Anxiety Contagion: Coping

As researchers have indicated, fears can be transferred to others. When enough individuals feel these fears, an anxiety contagion can develop in which free floating anxieties can invade one’s peace of mind.

Certainly scrolling through social media feeds and hearing rumors from our family or friends can increase our anxiety, but not reading could also be an error. We all have different emotional thresholds. As there are many relaxation, meditation and mindful approaches to self soothing, the onus is on us to search out and test what will work best for us. Here are a few options to consider.

Immerse Yourself in Activity:

Staying busy and productive is so important! Here are a few activities you might consider. First, active and passive activities can be used together. It’s up to the individual to tailor these activities to meet their unique needs. Here are a few ‘passive’ activities, in that these do not require excessive physical activity:

‘Passive’ Activities:
1.) Read a book
2.) Write an email, letter or card
3.) Watch a movie in bed
4.) Take brief naps
5.) Listen to music
6.) Take a luxurious bath
7.) Enjoy nature, watch a sun rise or set
8.) Sit under a shade tree and watch the clouds
9.) Listen to the wind blow or the birds singing

‘Operative’ Activities:
1.) Play with a pet
2.) Blow bubbles
3.) Sing a song or whistle a tune
4.) Play an instrument
5.) Begin something: clean a closet, plant a garden, start a hobby such as arts, crafts and creative writing, which can be daunting but worth a try. I recommend a small notebook in which you can jot down ideas or feelings you may have about any topic you choose
6.) Finish something: home projects, writing projects, or even a degree
7.) Take a walk in nature and take pleasure in quiet times
8.) Reach out for support, to friends and family via phone, text, email, social media
9.) Physical exercise: The level of one’s physical activity can have a direct impact upon mood and peace of mind. Again, physical activity must be tailored to meet your unique physicality and not a cookie cutter approach to fitness.

Get In Touch With Your Spirituality:

I believe that anytime is a good time to find your spiritual core, but especially during these times of increasing uncertainty. I feel that spiritual endeavors grow our hearts. Making me-time can be tough. Here are a few things to consider:

1.) Meditation: Many types of meditation exist for your perusal. I would suggest that some study is warranted as we are all unique. Typically the easiest types of meditation do not require concentration, and can be vocal or silent.
2.) Relaxation techniques: As with meditation, there are many types of relaxation techniques available. Some focus upon visualization while others focus on the relaxation of each body part. Do what is easiest for you.
3.) Yoga: I present this as separate from meditation techniques, relaxation techniques and physical exercise as I feel it provides another avenue by which doorways to peace can be opened. Begin slowly with basic stretching yoga postures, and don’t overdo…I advise gentle, slow stretching.
4.) Breathe: This is something I remind myself to do almost every day. When we feel anxious, oftentimes we tend to hold our breath or to breathe shallowly. I’ve previously mentioned the 4/7/9 technique as soothing. You simply breathe in through you’re nose to a count of 4, hold that breath to a count of 7, then exhale through the mouth to a count of 9. To four repetitions. I do this daily! It helps me immensely.
5.) Reflect on the positives: make a list of these and add to it daily; find the gratitude within.
6.) Have a good laugh! We discussed the importance of smiling on a biological level. We take that up a notch when we laugh; as endorphins are released into our bloodstreams we feel good.

Conclusions:

The anxiety contagion is a very real phenomena that can occur when nervous energy is transferred to others. This anxiety merges with our own fears, and we often don’t even think of untangling these feelings. Luckily, we do not have to take a cognitive approach and look rationally at our fears. Remedies exist for anxiety as outlined above. However, we must always search and choose the simplest, easiest path to relaxation as individuals.

It is good to be back at DWW writing again. We all need some down time, especially during times of intense stress. As always, please feel free to leave comments and/or questions at the end of this article to ‘join the discussion’. I typically post by 3 pm on Sundays, but I check throughout the week to look for your thoughts. Until next week, Dear Reader, please stay safe and healthy!

 

THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “THE ANXIETY CONTAGION” IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

Decision Making, Part 3: Steps to Improve Strategic Decision Making

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THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE ENTITLED, “DECISION MAKING, PART 3: STEPS TO IMPROVE STRATEGIC DECISION MAKING SKILLS” IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

 

 

Hello again, Dear Reader. In the last two articles in this series, “Decision Making”, definitions and literature were reviewed. Also noted was the distinction between strategies and tactics as these terms pertain to decision making. In this last installment, I will review ways in which to improve strategic decision making abilities. Let’s take a look.

 

 

Strategic Decision Making:

As discussed previously, our ever changing environment can have a deleterious impact on our ability to make cogent decisions. This is particularly true when the environment imposes some type of threat. These threats on our lives can often throw us into panic mode in which our bodies are literally preparing to do battle. In this heightened state of awareness, our body releases chemicals that prepare us for fight or flight. Historically this response likely saved lives, helping to ensure continuation of the species. However, in modern times this panic mode can deplete our resources and leave us incapable of effective problem solving.

 

The success of our problem solving can hinge upon variables that are certainly beyond our control. Therefore, it is imperative that we attempt to make wise life choices. As we can currently observe, there are many unpredictable and uncontrollable aspects to our lives. Given that this ambiguity is unavoidable, it would behoove us to learn ways to make better decisions in the face of adversity.

 

Making sound judgements in our frenetic, uncertain world can be problematic at best. In 2017 (the Oracle), “11 Steps To Improve Your Strategic Decision Making” was published. Although this is a business related article, review and application of these steps can perhaps assist us in our daily decision making endeavors. The eleven steps are as follows:

 

  • Simplify the battlefield – By identifying the parsimony in any ill- defined problem, decision making skills can be augmented. Define your priorities while considering your options. Then, rank those options in order to choose the best option to move your decision making forward.
  • Get comfortable with the cost of deciding – By refusing to decide, we are in fact making a decision. Therefore, when you feel stuck in problem solving you must self question. By asking yourself questions such as, “Am I moving forward?” one can be more mindful in the decision making process. Costs of indecision can include severe anxiety over past mistakes and future decision making. Remember, in facing decisions we will undoubtedly face unknown elements. These unknowns must be faced with courage.
  • Control your emotions – Yes, an almost impossible feat but control can be exerted over your own actions, which includes how you choose to process your feelings. Furthermore, the more important the decision, the more emotional we can become. With this in mind, we must impose rational, logical thought in any decision making process. To do so, we must courageously face fearful situations with a rational mind.
  • Understand that logical decisions have a secret emotional component – Even seemingly rational decision making will invariably contain an element of emotionality. The trick is balance. Three questions can be asked, “What’s the upside?”, “What’s the downside?”, and “Can I live with the downside?”
  • Know what you want – Ask the questions, “Is this getting me closer to my goals? Or is it taking me away from my goals?” Discard ideas and/or elements that take you away from you desired outcome.
  • Say no – Here it is suggested that we say no to everything outside of our core goal of successful decision making. Skilled problem solving requires one-pointed attention. When something enters the equation, ask, “What’s the best case scenario?” and “What’s the worst case scenario?” These questions can help guide our decision making.
  • Build a filter system – Here it is noted that good decision making is often run through filters. By asking questions such as, “Does it (the decision) impact me and my family in an ethical, moral and positive way?” and “Does …the decision help…my growth plan?” Without some kind of filtering process, we can flounder when given a number of possibilities to examine.
  • Proximity is power – It is here that the authors note that, “…it’s a culmination of multiple experiences that truly shapes your insight in the decision making process.” They indicate that we must place around us the people/means by which decisions can be brought to fruition.
  • Do your homework – Due diligence is required when decision making. Do the necessary research required for you to make wiser judgments. Complex decision making may require advice from experts. It is suggested that 2 to 4 people could be sought for input. To build a reliable method of decision making, a team approach could be implemented with friends and/or family.
  • Build an A Team – Gather the necessary information to improve strategic decision making. By tapping a variety of sources in a team type approach, we can potentially gain knowledge that will help us to make smarter decisions.
  • Develop wisdom – Good decision making brings rewards; conversely, poor problem solving will bring undesirable consequences. Taking into account our experiences can change our level of knowledge acquisition. By accommodating new information, we gain personal insight essential to growth. Thus, we can develop wisdom in our decision making.

 

Conclusions:

We have learned that decision making can be an arduous and complex endeavor. However, applying some simple questioning strategies, we can develop wisdom in our decision making processes. As problems are faced in life, we can improve our decision making skills, ultimately improving the quality of our lives.

 

As always, please feel free to leave comments and/or questions you may have pertaining to this article. Please let me know what is of value to you, and what you would like to see more of herein. I will be taking a brief hiatus from these writings. Until the next time, Dear Reader, stay safe and healthy!

 

THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE ENTITLED, “DECISION MAKING, PART 3: STEPS TO IMPROVE STRATEGIC DECISION MAKING SKILLS” IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

 

 

Decision Making – Part 2: Strategies and Tactics

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THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “DECISION MAKING – PART 2: STRATEGIES AND TACTICS” IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

 

Hello again, Dear Reader. Today I will continue to discuss last week’s topic, decision making. A cursory review of the literature and definitions were presented, along with the notion of uncertainty and how it effects decision making. Given that our choices effect our lives, our decision making skills are vital to our success as human beings. For this installment, strategies and tactics will be addressed with regards to the improvement of problem solving abilities. Let’s take a closer look.

Clearly many researchers have acknowledged the impact of ambiguity on decision making. Elucidation is derived from these studies and ultimately lead to other research questions. Scholars began to delve into the concept that strategies and tactics could be developed and learned that may facilitate decision making.

Snowman (1986,1987) discussed the components of learning and determined that certain strategies and tactics could be taught to improve one’s learning ability. At the cutting edge of this research, Snowman defined the differences between strategies and tactics. In doing so, he pioneered research that eventually lead to the development of learning strategies/tactics to accomplish goals delineated within these strategies.

Snowman defined a strategy as a broad plan that is structured, which may contain complex operational patterns and activities. Once a strategy is developed, tactics are the means to success in carrying out the plan. That is, tactics involve the specific actions required to ensure that objectives are accomplished.

Thus, one may develop a strategy to improve decision making via specific tactics relating to an overall strategic plan. We can systematically learn to construct strategies and tactics that can improve problem solving skills and learning potential. The tactics we use must be meaningful to us, and must be a part of a strategic plan to address solving a specific problem. Through this method, one can improve decision making skills.

Snowman warns that tactics should not be taught or learned in isolation. This approach does not lend itself to making real-life connections. Conversely, when tactics are taught/learned as components of a strategic plan, transfer of knowledge to other issues can more easily take place. Thus, when other similar problems arise, one might apply an already tried and true strategy thereby improving decision making.

Learning Strategies:

The components of an effective learning strategy consists of six variables designed to improve ones learning, and thus improving one’s decision making skills. The six components are as follows:

  • Metacognition – As discussed previously within these articles, metacognition is one’s self awareness pertaining to how we think, what kind of learner we are and how to approach problem solving. By learning how we think, we can learn to be better decision makers. Better decision makers are obviously better at solving complex problems and applying tactics to every day issues.
  • Analysis – As learners, we must analyze the problem at hand in order to glean key factors involved. By asking “Wh” questions, one can more easily identify the pertinent factors (what, when, where), subsequently understand the nature of a problem (why), identify personal learning attributes (who) and ultimately use tactics (how) to make better decisions.
  • Planning – Once items 1 and 2 are accomplished, one must develop a strategic plan by answering the following questions and forming hypotheticals:
  • What is the nature of the problem?
  • What do I already know about the problem?
  • What is the timeframe in which to solve the issue?
  • What are my strengths and weaknesses in facing the problem?
  • Implementation – Once a plan is devised, each component must be implemented skillfully and with fidelity. As Snowman warned, “A careful analysis and a well conceived plan will not work if tactics are carried out poorly.”
  • Monitor of progress – For strategic decision making, a learner must assess the success, or lack there of, of their chosen tactics. This can be accomplished through self questioning in terms of what is and isn’t working.
  • Modification – If we determine that our strategic plan is working, then no change is required. However, if decision making is unsuccessful, one must re-evaluate and modify, possibly both the strategic plan and the tactics implemented.

 

With the awareness that parameters change as our environment changes, and that new information supplants old notions, then it logically follows that our skills in decision making can change drastically through the course of a lifetime. Consequently, re-evaluation and revision of our life strategies and tactics are necessary. Snowman notes, “The true strategist,…exhibits a characteristic that is now commonly referred to as mindfulness (Alexander, Graham & Harris, 1998).”

As we have discussed previously in these articles, a mindful learner is aware of the need to be strategic and takes notes of elements effecting the decision to be made. Furthermore, a strategic thinker uses personal assets as a means to the best end/solution. This requires that strategies and tactics are tailored to fit each specific problem.

 

Conclusions:

Research indicates that the development of strategies and tactics when problem solving can improve decision making skills. Through the notion of metacognition, we can discover what kind of leaner we are, ie., how we learn best. We can then apply that knowledge to conceive of a strategic plan, as well as the necessary tactics to carry out that plan. By self questioning (“Wh” questions) we analyze the issue at hand and devise a problem solving strategy. Finally, by using a metacognitive approach, one may improve decision making abilities.

For next time, part 3 of this series on decision making, we will review steps to improve strategic decision making. Please feel free to leave comments and/or questions with regards to these concepts. Until then, Dear Reader…stay safe and healthy out there!

 

THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “DECISION MAKING – PART 2: STRATEGIES AND TACTICS” IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

 

Decision Making

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THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED,”DECISION MAKING” IS BY DR.SHANNI DOVER

 

Hello again, Dear Reader. For this week, I will begin to discuss decision making in a series.

The art of decision making can be quite daunting for many of us. As we consider our rapidly changing environment, we witness prominent individuals making decisions that do not appear to be cogent. Indeed, we may even find ourselves in doubt about our own decision making, second guessing our choices. Clearly, powerful stressors in our world can lend to the difficulties surrounding making choices and taking action. Let’s take a closer look.

 

Definitions:

In the field of psychology, researchers have posited a variety of theories with regards to decision making. Those studies gave rise to research investigating strategies and tactics that could impact our decision making skills. But once again, we must consider environmental stressors currently at work in our world. By doing so, we can certainly understand the interest in studies acknowledging the potential impact our environment has on our decision making skills.

Lipshitz & Strauss (1997) discuss that coping with uncertainty is a natural component involved with making decisions. These authors note that we are dealing with unknown variables when we are making choices. They wrote, “Coping with uncertainty thus lies at the heart of decision making.” Clearly it follows then that when stressors accumulate and more uncertainty is present, our skill in making choices can be deleteriously impacted.

The uncertainty inherent in this second decade of the 21st century can definitely have a negative impact on our decision making. These uncertainties can render the individual anxious and undecided. Choices tend to become obscured and problematic. Therefore, decision making skills can suffer as a result.

Within the literature on decision making, ‘hesitation’ in opting for a choice was noted, and was defined as, “holding back in doubt or indecision…to pause” (Barnhart & Stein, 1964). Upon review, we can see that the concepts of uncertainty, risk and ambiguity are rife in scientific literature; indeed many researchers have studied the effects of uncertainty in making decisions  (Thompson, 1967; Corbin, 1980; Brunsson, 1985; McCaskey, 1986; Orasanu & Connolly, 1993).

Marsh (1981) described two decision making models which appear to be prominent: Consequential action and Obligatory action. Consequential actions require that the decision making process include the questions, “What are my alternatives?”, What are my values?”, and “What are the consequences of my alternatives for my values?” Obligatory action requires a different set of questions: “What kind of situation is this?”, “What kind of person am I?”, and “What is appropriate for me in a situation like this?” By answering these types of questions, some resolve may be obtained in making decisions. This type of lucid questioning can assist in the implementation of a strategic plan for making decisions.

The effects of uncertainty when taking action cannot be underestimated and may indeed prove to be deleterious to the process of decision making. When dealing with the unknown, we could reach the conclusion that all of  life is a probability statement.

In reaching this conclusion, we may better understand the impact of unknown variables in our choice of actions. We may also come to the understanding that the concepts of ‘possible’ and ‘probable’ are very different. By considering these notions, individuals can subsequently create new working constructs. Ultimately, this adaptation  could entail the creation of a superordinate construct in which the consideration of probabilities can provide clarity to our every day decision making.

 

 

Summary:

Clearly, researchers have acknowledged the impact of ambiguity on decision making. In fact, some research focuses entirely upon one’s tolerance for ambiguity and the implications of that tolerance. Thus, with regards to decision making, stressors in the environment can indeed play a key role in efficacy of decision making. By defining some of these stressors, we can begin to gain self awareness and knowledge with regards to how we make decisions. This metacognition (thinking about our own thinking) can facilitate our understanding of our actions/choices, ultimately improving our decision making skills.

 

For next time, we will review some strategies and tactics proposed by researchers that can facilitate decision making skills. Until then, Dear Reader, please feel free to leave any questions or comments you may have and I will respond to those as I see them. Stay safe, healthy and positive.

 

 

THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED,”DECISION MAKING” IS BY DR.SHANNI DOVER

 

 

The Panic Mode

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THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, ‘THE PANIC MODE’ IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

 

 

Hello again, Dear Reader. This week’s topic of discussion is the panic mode. With today’s uncertainties, many of us can relate to and understand the feeling of being in panic mode. Let’s look a bit closer at this state of being.

 

The Panic Mode:

The panic mode is an intensification of our fears that inherently encompasses a variety of physical and emotional consequences. Reaching the panic mode typically occurs in stages, although these stages are sometimes difficult to discern. Often we are not cognizant of our bodies reactions to stress until we reach the panic mode. In fact, many will only experience the heightened sense of awareness of the panic mode. Simply put, we may find ourselves in full blown panic mode before we realize how it came to be.

 

I have written previously in these articles about Albert Ellis and his Rational Emotive Therapy (RET). Ellis purports that there is always a thought that precedes our emotions. When we can identify a thought trail, we can exert more control over our thoughts and feelings. Thus, we may avoid reaching the panic mode.

 

 

 

Panic Mode and Its Genesis:

When I write about the panic mode, I do so from my experience as adjunct faculty teaching Educational Psychology at two universities. However, I also write from my personal experience as one who has survived situations in which full blown panic mode was present. Let’s delve deeper.

When our nervous systems are confronted with stress, our brains accommodate to withstand the stress. When the stressors are intense, meaning acute, severe and traumatic, our bodies release Cortisol into the bloodstream in order to manage the trauma. As the panic mode ensues, heart rate and blood pressure begin to rise (fight or flight). The depletion of Cortisol leaves us more vulnerable to future stresses.

This depletion of Cortisol can be noted in the body. The effects of being in a constant state of fight or flight (the panic mode) can be devastating. Within about 15 minutes after the onset of of a stressful episode, Cortisol levels rise and remain elevated for hours afterwards. When Cortisol is released, it can ‘hardwire pathways’ between the Hippocampus and Amygdala. When these pathways are established, the panic mode begins and the brain readies itself for fight or flight.

Ultimately, high stress levels can damage the forebrain, according to research at UC Berkeley (2014). Stress hormones, e.g., Cortisol, can cause cells in the brain to produce white matter that can eventually change the way ‘circuits are connected’ in the brain.

Moreover, during panic mode the damage to the Amygdala also has serious consequences. The Amygdala is located in the Temporal Frontal Lobe on the Prefrontal Cortex and its function is to process our emotions. The Amygdala is responsible for detecting fear and preparing for traumatic events. It helps to create expressions of fear, aggression and defensiveness. The Amygdala also plays a part in the formation and retrieval of fear-related events. The panic mode actually has a shrinking effect! The Amygdala starts out as almond shaped, but can eventually resemble a wrinkled raisin. This ultimately leaves us more susceptible to future stress.

The physical and emotional effects of the panic mode can include a variety of maladies. When too much Cortisol floods the body on a regular basis, symptoms can include:

  • Rapid weight gain, primarily to the face, chest and abdomen
  • Flushed round face
  • Increased heart rate
  • High blood pressure
  • Chest pains
  • Osteoporosis
  • Skin bruising
  • Muscle weakness
  • Mood swings
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Irritability
  • Reduced problem solving skills, i.e., brain fog
  • Sleep disturbance
  • Shallow breathing
  • Low energy

 

 

Panic Mode Interventions:

 Ameliorating the effects of the panic mode on the body can problematic. A mindful approach can help to mitigate some factors involved with reaching a full blown panic mode.

 

By utilizing a cognitive rational approach such as RET, one can stave off panicked thoughts so that a heightened sense of anxiety can be avoided. By increasing our awareness, we can identify the beginnings of the panic mode, thereby circumventing the cycle and some of its deleterious effects.

 

Obviously our diet can have a profound impact on our stress levels. Certain foods can actually help to regulate Cortisol levels in the body. Some of these foods include:

  • Dark chocolate
  • Coconut oil
  • Avocados
  • Olives
  • Fatty fish
  • Nuts, seeds, beans
  • Seaweed
  • Black/green tea
  • Bananas
  • Pears
  • Probiotics

 

Additionally, supplements such as Magnesium may also help to regulate the increased Cortisol levels due to the panic mode. It is reported that the addition of Magnesium to ones diet can reduce brain fog.

Furthermore, there are ‘grounding’ techniques that can assist with the effects of the panic mode. Naming your emotions as you experience them can help trigger the rational part of the brain. Another grounding technique involves your senses and requires that you name 4 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 4 things you can smell, etc. This technique connects one with the present moment rather than thinking about past woes or future fears.

Breathing techniques are also valuable when practiced routinely. Dr. Mercola (2019) has written about a breathing technique he practices called the Buteyko Breathing Method. This is similar to pranayama, an ancient yogic technique to control breathing. The method is believed to supply your body with oxygen while removing carbon dioxide. This normalizes how we breathe. This technique is also known as 4-7-8. Breathe through the nose to a count of 4; hold your breath to a count of 7; then, slowly release the breath through the mouth to a count of 8. Four repetitions is recommended and the count need not be 4-7-8, but could be 2-4-5, depending upon how long one can comfortably hold their breath. It is the ratio that is important.

Finally, medical interventions can assist when one experiences excessive states of the panic mode. Medications that can help to regulate excessive Cortisol production include ketoconazole, mitotane and metyrapone.

 

 

 

Conclusions:

The panic mode certainly has its place in our genetic code. Historically, it helped to ensure the survival of the species. However, with the multiple stressors in modern life, a prolonged state of heightened arousal can have a deleterious impact on our bodies. This is true both physically and emotionally. We can practice the use of a rational approach to mediate the panic mode such as RET. Diet changes can also be helpful in battling the negative effects of the panic state. Further, breathing techniques can aide in managing the panic brought on by our daily lives. Finally, in extreme situations pharmaceutical intervention can be used to help regulate Cortisol levels; however, other strategies discussed herein should be investigated to determine what works best for you.

 

 

 

THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, ‘THE PANIC MODE’ IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

 

 

 

Control

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THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “CONTROL” is by Dr.Shanni Dover

 

Hello again, Dear Reader. The topic I’ve chosen to discuss this week is “Control”. In light of current events, this appears to be a salient and timely subject. We will look at behavior patterns, and discuss ways to improve negative cycles of thought.


Control: 

The concept of control is multifaceted, although it may appear simple on the surface. How we define and manage control issues can have a profound effect on our lives.

Individuals often have unreasonable expectations when it comes to control. We struggle with our every day lives, attempting to manage the issues that are simply not within our realm of influence.

It is our perception of control that guides our actions. These perceptions are subjective. Thus, they are yours alone and not necessarily valid when compared to other’s realities, or even a possible broader reality. Our perception of control can assist us. Conversely, our notions of control can be deleterious to our very existence.

Natural consequences for misunderstanding the nature of truth, knowledge and reality (Kelly, 1986) can be quite devastating. For example, our reality regarding our personal relationships can often be erroneous. We believe we can control problems as they arise in our lives. However, this may be far beyond our grasp.

Our misinterpretation of life events, large and small, can lead to anger, sadness and fear. The anger, sadness and fear can evolve into rage, depression and anxiety. This negative cycle of emotional dis-ease exhausts our reserves of energy, and ultimately takes a toll on our physical health.

As we grapple with control, we often tend to hold tightly onto our indoctrinated belief systems. Other’s realities, or a larger reality, are unknown quantities in life’s equation. By holding onto our inculcated values and beliefs, we anchor ourselves in a mold that may not fit our true nature. Consequently, our sense of control is often bombarded with unforeseen losses.

 

Distractions: 

Along with our indoctrinated beliefs there come many distractions that can tend to muddy the waters when making life decisions. Consequently, one’s sense of control can be shattered.

These factors tend to fragment and compartmentalize our thinking processes. Compartmentalization refers to our ability to create a variety of structures that we often mentally separate. For example, a person who was taught and holds the value of not stealing could justify/rationalize stealing while still maintaining the value that stealing is wrong. We place our template of reality over other’s realities. By doing so, we continue to tell ourselves we have control of these distractions.

The distractions (and I don’t use that word lightly to describe our lives) tend to be of our own design. That is, we have chosen some of these distractions. The distractions can include but are not limited to family, extended family, work, homes, and health issues.

Our control in creating our mental structures regarding what our lives ‘should’ be ends to a large degree upon creation. Afterwards, we watch as events unfold out of our control that we never could have imagined or predicted. Subsequently, we flail about in our attempts to control our circumstances and search to regain our sense of balance.

This feeling of a lack of balance is what Piaget called Disequilibration (Genetic Epistemology, 1970). Piaget believed this loss of balance, loss of our sense of control, can work for us and stimulate cognitive development. We tend to become waylaid by the distractions that have entered our lives, and our control is subsequently compromised. Not only does our focus become skewed, but we lose sight of the fact that we only have control over our own actions.

 

Adaptation:

Jean Piaget proposed his theory of cognitive development and functioning as a result of working  with elite groups of children in Switzerland. His work yielded his four-stage theory of cognitive development: Sensory-Motor, Preoperational, Concrete and Formal reasoning. These stages of development continue to have merit today.

Many move through through these stages due to conflicts we encounter, and the lack of control we feel. Our mental structures, according to Piaget, become inundated with new information that must somehow be fit into our existing structures.

However, when new information conflicts with ones sense of order and control, our existing structures must be modified to include the new data. This is what Piaget called Assimilation. Additionally, when new information cannot be fit into one of our existing structures, new structures must be created. We discard our previous ideas to create room for the new data. This is called Accommodation.

Thus, through adaptation we can learn and grow. Our cognitive development expands when we assimilate and/or accommodate to new information. When our sense of control is threatened, although we may feel off-balance and fearful, through adaptation we can become more critical, efficient thinkers and problem solvers.

 

Strategies:

As we come to realize that our control is limited to our own actions, we naturally begin to search for meaning in life. When this search ensues, we become scientists, testing our own control and its limits

As our metacognition (thinking about thinking) increases, we begin to better understand the nature of our world through our interactions with others. This metacognitive awareness serves to ameliorate our feelings involved with loss of control.

Furthermore, a path can be opened that leads one to research ways to add comfort to life. Specifically, strategies that assist us in our life-path. Through this personal research, we can develop strategies and tactics that will include aspects of our lives we can indeed control.

By structuring all or part of our day into reasonable routines, a sense of control can be given back to the individual. How you structure your day may not always be in your control. Nevertheless, by attempting to manage small parts of your life you can impose your will upon the environment, thus regaining your sense of control.

When structuring our days, we must remember the importance of including exercise. Even a 10 minute walk will lift your mood. When we exercise, endorphins are released into the bloodstream that positively impact mood. Again, we are in control of these actions.

Adding another component to your day such as very basic yoga postures and/or calisthenics before any type of exercise can also increase your sense of control. This can can include simple stretching such as ‘windmills’ and toe touches, as many of us experienced as children in PE class. An increased sense of control often leads to a sense of peace.

Further, by reaching out to others via phone calls, texts, social media and face time can also ease one’s sense of chaos and lack of control. This can be quite therapeutic and requires little effort. By staying in touch with others, we are not alone to face life’s challenges. We can compare notes, determine what variables may be at play, and see how well our templates fit when compared to other’s realities.

Finally, investigating various forms of meditation techniques could reveal a method that suits you and your lifestyle. Meditation can elicit a feeling of oneness within ourselves, thereby increasing our feelings of control and order. Through meditation our bodies experience a deeper level of rest than even REM sleep. Meditation in conjunction with good sleep habits, good eating habits and exercise can provide a sense of control and peace. Breathing exercises can also provide relief from stresses.

Conclusions:

Our sense of control, or lack thereof, can often lead to frustration. This frustration can lead to anxiety and depression. Distractions further complicate our lives, often leaving us unfocused.

By realizing that our perceived control is often an illusion, we can become scientists in our lives. When we think about how we think (metacognition), we can come up with ways to adapt to factors we cannot control. Through adaptation (Assimilation, Accommodation), we can include new information into our existing structures, or create completely new structures that render the old structures obsolete.

When we let go of that which we cannot control, we free ourselves to discover new ways of problem solving. This adds control back into our life-equation. Finally, by including in your routine  an overlay of structure, we can introduce strategies such as exercise, yoga, breathing exercises, and meditation to enhance of sense of control.

As always, Dear Reader, please feel free to comment with regards to the value of this post in your daily lives. I will be available to respond to your questions and/or comments. Until next time, I remain your friend.

 

THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “CONTROL” is by Dr.Shanni Dover

 

 

Surviving Heartache

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THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED “SURVIVING HEARTACHE” IS BY DR.SHANNI DOVER

 

 

Hello again, Dear Reader. Today I will discuss  surviving heartache. This is something we all must face in life – whether young, old, sick, healthy, rich or poor. But do not fear. You are strong enough to get through to the other side of your pain.

Acceptance can be a key factor. Even though you may have lovely plans, some of these dreams could actually lead to heartache. Do you still dream? The answer is Absolutely Yes. Let’s take a deeper look.

 

Finding the Good:

Heartache is a part of life; the trick is to find the good. Always look for the good; look  for the helpers. In the midst of anxiety, sadness, loneliness and despair, they will be your strength!

Fred Rogers, one of my personal heroes, wrote:

“I was spared from any great disasters when I was little, but there was plenty of news of them in newspapers and on the radio, and there were graphic images of them in newsreels.

For me, as for all children, the world could have come to seem a scary place to live. But I felt secure with my parents, and they let me know that we were safely together whenever I showed concern about accounts of alarming events in the world.

There was something else my mother did that I’ve always remembered: “Always look for the helpers,” she’d tell me. “There’s always someone who is trying to help.” I did, and I came to see that the world is full of doctors and nurses, police and firemen, volunteers, neighbors and friends who are ready to jump in to help when things go wrong.”

Fred Rogers often told this story about when he was a boy and would see scary things on the news: “My mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers — so many caring people in this world.”

Realizing that heartache can be managed, and simultaneously become a source of growth, is a huge step towards our self awareness.

 

 Defeating the Fear:

I often say to those deep in heartache, “Keep your head up…” For me, this means to hold your head high no matter what troubles may challenge you. You are bigger than your fears, your trials, or your hurts.

I believe that fear can be a large part of heartache. Typically it can appear to be free-floating fear, with no particular attachment. However, upon deeper reflection the fear can often be traced to an irrational thought.

Albert Ellis (RET, 1959) researched the notion that our fears are based upon irrational belief systems. These beliefs create anxiety. Ellis advocated the importance of accepting yourself because you are alive, human and unique. He posited that being influenced by what others think of you can lead to pain and fear. Ellis urged people to discard the “shoulds, oughts, and musts”. He wrote:

“There are three musts that hold us back: I must do well. You must treat me well. And the world must be easy. By not caring too much about what people think, I’m able to think for myself and propagate ideas which are very often unpopular. And I succeed.

I had a great many…cases where people were absolutely devastated when somebody with whom they were compulsively in love didn’t love them back. They were killing themselves with anxiety and depression.

The emotionally mature individual should completely accept the fact that we live in a world of probability and chance, where there are not, nor probably ever will be, any absolute certainties, and should realize that it is not at all horrible, indeed—such a probabilistic, uncertain world.”

 

When we identify, face and defeat our irrational fears, we are better able to successfully survive heartache. By not falling victim to alarmists or our own illogical fears, we move closer to our true nature. When we change our mindset, our strengths can become more apparent. A wise man once said,  “What we put our attention on, we enliven.” Simply put, if we focus on our strengths they take a position in the forefront of our thoughts. This allows us to respond from a more grounded position rather than from the heartache.

 

Nurture Yourself:

Amid heartache and fear you must nurture yourselves. Simply put, be good to yourselves. I’ve found we are often hard on ourselves when we are enveloped in sadness…we blame ourselves. But again, heartache is part of life. These challenges needn’t be our downfall but can serve to teach us.

All of life is here to teach us. Life is constantly teaching us to be gentle, to be loving and giving, and to care for our lost and shipwrecked brothers and sisters.

However, this is easier said than done. Yet, when we rise from our heartache to help another, we free ourselves from pain… we can fly above it and beyond it. Thus, we learn that the pain is only temporary, and that happiness can wait around the next corner.

 

Your Actions:

You mustn’t think that your actions are inconsequential. Just the opposite is true. Every action you take has a ripple effect, like dropping a pebble into water. Every act of kindness… a smile, a hand held out, a hug, a word to console… these things are priceless. Although heartache will still be a part of your life, your perception of the heartache can be altered.

Life is like a roller coaster ride… there will be highs and lows; possible heartbreak waits, but the trick is to hold on, breathe, and enjoy the gifts of life. Be courageous when you start down those hills.

Given that heartbreak is indeed a part of this life, your hearts can endure, as will you. Your dreams will change throughout your lives; your attitudes towards your dreams and your life will also change. Change is an inevitable part of life. This is something we can indeed count on, so we must roll with these changes whether we view them as good or bad.

 

Thoughts:

When we are struggling with uncertainty, loss and anxiety, looking for “helpers” as Fred Rogers suggests can help to alleviate our fears and pain.

When battling with heartache, we also have to put away our indoctrinated belief systems. As Ellis pointed out many years ago, it is our “shoulds, oughts and musts” that lead to a great deal of human heartache.

And lastly, please remember to be good to yourself. Focus on your innate strength and fortitude. This is a salient weapon against your heartache. By nurturing yourself, you will find that your strengths become more apparent to you. Further, you are better able to reach out to others who are in the midst of heartache.

Being good to yourself means that if you’re tired, you rest; if you need a hug, hug yourself if necessary. Furthermore, you must forgive yourself for your mistakes. Telling yourself good things such as, I am worthy; I am a good person; I deserve love; I can solve problems; I am a winner; I am talented; I am loving and giving…this is also your weapon against heartache.  You must remember these affirmations as this is a fundamental truth of life: You Are Beautiful!

 

 

Please feel free to comment with regards to the value of this article to you, and what you would want to see more of in these posts. I will be available to answer questions and respond to comments. Dear Reader, I remain your friend.

 

 

 

THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “SURVIVING HEARTACHE” IS BY DR.SHANNI DOVER

 

 

 

 

Rearview Mirror

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THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, REARVIEW MIRROR IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

Hello again, constant Reader. Today I will discuss the Rearview mirror analogy and how it may relate to your life.


Rearview Mirror Analogy:

The Rearview Mirror analogy, as I like to call it, had its genesis many years ago. Simply put, it refers to endings. Specifically, ending a negative relationship, and ultimately seeing that person in your “rearview mirror”. However, coming to this decision may be one of the hardest tasks you will ever undertake. Let’s take a deeper look!

 

Beginnings:

As individuals enter into a relationship and/or marriage, some tend to believe that ‘forever’ truly exists within their chosen love. Thus, we hold on tightly, even in the face of toxicity. Consequently, many of us stay when it is passed time that the ‘special’ person is viewed in your rearview mirror.

 


Conundrum:

The complexity of human nature does not easily lend itself to study. Yet, many self-help books exist and psychologists have worked to understand the mysteries of the human mind for many years. Suffice it to say, algorithms and theories abound with regards to human behavior. The rearview mirror analogy then becomes a way to define a significant event.

 

Endings:

When it comes to ending a relationship, some of us tend to falter and settle for less than we deserve. We often settle because we believe that a failed relationship is our own personal failure. This is far from reality. Two people must constantly work together in order to be in a successful relationship.

This being said, no one can truly tell you when or if you should walk away. In fact, counselors will typically avoid being this directive with clients. It is a personal choice. However, our rearview mirror is sometimes precisely where we need to see our respective partners. Abuse and suffering do not have to be an on-going part of your daily existence.

 

Choices:

In utilizing the analogy, our rearview mirrors provide us with other salient choices as opposed to living in a toxic environment. The analogy can facilitate a path by which individuals can be OK with endings, as endings are a natural part of life. The letting go is painful; you will likely grieve for the loss. Yet, the daily pain of living with an abusive partner is much more deleterious to your well-being. Again, this choice isn’t easy but it is sometimes it is the only logical option.

 

Thoughts: 

If “our thoughts create our world” (Stephen Richards, 1836-1878) then it stands to reason that we can also change our worlds with our thoughts.  Therefore, the Rearview Mirror analogy may empower individuals to make a positive change. By simplifying a complex contextual event, one can entertain more possibilities. Thus, when we can see our power and potential futures, we may ultimately be inspired to seek a better existence. This could ameliorate the fear we feel that is inherent in major life changes.

 

Changes:

Although the Rearview Mirror analogy can be a tool to assist in your emancipation, I cannot be more emphatic that not all relationships require this level of intervention. There are certainly healthy relationships in which people are able to talk through their issues. However, many feel trapped, like a prisoner in their own lives. They feel the daily devastation of a dishonest, disloyal partner. These people are suffering…drowning in a quicksand of deceit, neglect, and abuse. Therefore, for these souls, the Rearview Mirror analogy may provide a safety net, perhaps even a possible beacon of hope and empowerment.


Conclusions:

The Rearview Mirror analogy refers to having made the decision to end a relationship. Thus, the partner is now in the rearview mirror and out of their daily lives. Further, it also provides a simplified albeit salient tool to take charge of your path in life. Although grief will likely be present, the freedom one receives in return could allow for a better self-image and an improved path.

Letting go can obviously be extremely difficult; however, letting go may be the healthiest choice. Abuse does not have to be part of life. Accepting abuse is not the only option. It has been said that when one door closes, another opens. This optimism underlies the Rearview Mirror analogy and can lead to the life of your dreams.

Please feel free comment with regards to the value of these words, and what you want to see more of in these posts. Next Sunday (3/22/20, 3-6 pm) I will discuss surviving heartbreak. Until then, dear Reader, I remain your friend.

THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, REARVIEW MIRROR IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

Here-And-Now

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THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, “HERE-AND-NOW” IS BY DR. SHANNI DOVER

Hello again, dear Reader. Today I will discuss the phrase “here-and-now” (also known as “mindfulness” and “being present) and how this concept relates to your life.

 

Background:

The phrase, here-and-now has been around for many years, typically used to describe a state of being. “This place, this present” has its roots in the 1600s. The exact phrase, here-and-now (this present life) was noted as far back as 1829. Later, Irvin Yalom (Staring At The Sun, 2008) used the here-and-now as a tool in psychotherapy. Currently, the buzz phrases “being present” and “mindfulness” have largely supplanted the old terminology. Finally, James Gimian (The Art of Being Present, 2016) wrote that by being mindful (here-and-now), one could obtain greater satisfaction in life.

 

Implications:

To be here-and-now, one must be grounded in the present tense. In other words, by not dwelling on the past nor obsessing over the future, we free ourselves to more fully experience our present…our here-and-now. Thus, by being in the here-and-now, you may more easily focus thoughts and feelings, thereby grounding yourself more fully in the present moment. As you center yourself, you can better enjoy your life as it flows.

 

Intentions:

In the here-and-now, our intentions guide our actions.

 

“What we put our attention on, we enliven”

-Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

Thus, we must be willing to consciously choose to experience our real life in order to be empowered.

 

Thoughts:

Our thoughts are said to create our world; consequently, we must focus our thoughts on our here-and-now to realize the results we seek.

 

For example, if our intention is to eliminate words such as, “should “, “ought”, “must”, and “try” a la Albert Ellis, 1959, Rational Emotive Therapy (RET), what we are left with is the here-and-now. As a result, we can narrow our list of complaints and/or problems. Being in the here-and-now allows you to focus on one issue at a time. Consequently, you can feel less anxiety about the past and the future, enabling your peace of mind.

 

If we focus on one task/problem at a time and do so in the here-and-now, we can be uplifted; we may actually begin to feel that we can accomplish anything. Thus, we can avoid the trap of wishing our lives away.

As Rumi wrote:

“Now is where love breathes.”

 

Actions:

Some believe that our actions are based upon particular thoughts, and those thoughts precede all actions. (Ellis, RET, 1959) Often irrational thoughts can surface, which may include agonizing over the past and future.

 

By remaining in the present, the here-and-now, we can combat negative emotions and perhaps awaken to a higher sense of self.

 

Thus, if our actions are based upon our here-and-now, our burdens can become lighter as we have less on which to focus our attention. Actions grounded in the present moment can enable us to smile and even laugh in the face of adversity.

 

Techniques:

Now that we have discussed the history and definition of being here-and-now, let us now review ways in which we might remain mindful and present in the here-and-now.

 

In her book, “10 Easy Ways You Can Practice Mindfulness” (2015), Elyse Santilli noted simple ways one can be more in the here-and-now.

 

  • Eat mindfully – simply focus on what’s in front of you.
  • Walk mindfully- “Walk as if you are kissing the earth with your feet”, Hanh.
  • Observe your breathing – notice the natural rhythm of your breaths.
  • Connect with your senses – your senses are your gateway into the here-and-now. Taking note of how each sense manifests itself greatly improves your ability to be in the here-and-now. For example, smell what scents are present; taste the flavors you experience; hear what sounds you are aware of; see what is before your eyes; and, touch the textures available.
  • Pause between action – allow a brief pause between activities and again, notice your senses in the here-and-now.
  • Listen wholeheartedly – listen to another fully without crafting your next response.
  • Get lost in the flow of doing things – lose your “smaller self” by pouring love and attention in the here-and-now.
  • Meditate daily – take as little as 10 minutes per day to practice some form of meditation, which will assist you in remaining here-and-now.
  • Mix up your routine – stop brain stemming, i.e., automated routine responses, and experience something new.
  • Observe thoughts and emotions – also known as metacognition (1970, Flavell); this allows one to witness actions without giving in to the temptation of going down an old thought trail…all thoughts merely come and go.

 

Final Thoughts:

In 1977, Portia Nelson wrote, “There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk” in which she presented:

“An Autobiography In Five Short Chapters”…

 

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost… I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

 

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place.

But, it isn’t my fault.

It still takes me a long time to get out.

 

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in. It’s a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault. I get out immediately.

 

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

 

With her poetry and prose, Nelson highlights the need to be here-and-now and does so with a sense of humor.  I’m certain that many of us can relate to this passage, myself included.

Through our daily practice of being here-and-now, we can better appreciate our lives and our loves.

 

Summary/Conclusions:

Life must be lived in the here-and-now in order to more fully appreciate our experiences. As we focus on the here-and-now , we empower ourselves by not dwelling on past mistakes, nor “awfulizing” (Ellis, RET, 1959) over some uncertain future.

 

Existing fully in each moment allows for better problem solving skills to emerge. With our intentions clear and rooted in the present tense, sorting through our thoughts and emotions can become easier. Thus, by being here-and-now, we can reduce our anxieties with regards to past or future events, ameliorating our fears and tensions.

 

The daily practice of being here-and-now can awaken your consciousness, contributing to your sense of aliveness within each moment. As Santilli wrote, “This moment is your life”.

 

Please feel free to comment with regards to the value of this article to you, and what you would want to see more of in these posts. Next Sunday (3-15-20, 3-6 pm) I will discuss the “rearview mirror” analogy. Until then, dear Reader, I remain your friend.

 

THIS ARTICLE ENTITLED, HERE AND NOW IS BY DR.SHANNI DOVER

OTHER DAILY WISDOM WORDS ARTICLES BY DR. DOVER YOU MAY FIND INTERESTING:  http://dailywisdomwords.com/be-the-hero/