loved ones

SUPPORT

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OUR DAILY WISDOM WORD TODAY IS SUPPORT.  WHEN WE  GIVE SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGE OTHERS THROUGH POSITIVITY WE ARE WORKING ON GOD’S BEHALF.  I DON’T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS BUT DO KNOW THAT WE, AS WRITERS AND LEADERS WAS CALLED UPON TO SET THE STAGE.  SUPPORT IS VERY IMPORTANT FROM OTHERS.  IT IS IMPORTANT TO OURSELVES.  WE ARE AN INDIVIDUAL’S FOR A REASON. 

WE MUST BE STABLE, STANDING ON OUR OWN TWO FEET BEFORE OTHERS CAN BE LEANED ON.  WHEN WE NEED SUPPORT, IT IS IMPORTANT TO COMMUNICATE THIS TO OUR LOVED ONES.  IT IS OKAY TO NEED OTHERS, WHAT HAPPENS IF WE HAVE AN ISSUE THAT WE SIMPLY CAN’T HANDLE?  WE NEED TO ACCEPT THE FACT THERE ARE TIMES WE WILL NEED ANOTHER PERSON TO LEAN ON.  WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DON’T HAVE A GOOD SUPPORT SYSTEM? 

WE USUALLY ISOLATE AND BECOME DEPRESSED.  SOMETIMES, IT IS SO HARD TO FIGURE OUT IF OR WHEN WE NEED SUPPORT.  THE SUPPORT CAN BE NECESSARY EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY OR PSYCHOLOGICALLY.  I FEEL LOST AT TIMES IN MY LIFE.  BEING PERMANENTLY DISABLED IS DIFFICULT.  WE STOP CARING ABOUT THE THINGS  WE USED TO ENJOY. OUR CHILDREN GROW UP AND LEAVE TO FORM THEIR OWN FAMILIES.  THERE OFTEN ARE OTHERS THAT WE CAN REACH OUT TO. BUT DO NOT. 

IT MAY FEEL LIKE OUR WORLD IS FALLING APART.  HOW DO WE HANDLE THIS?  WE REACH OUT FOR HELP FROM A PROFESSIONAL.  THEY CANNOT FIX US.  WE MUST “FIX OURSELVES”.  WHAT A PROFESSIONAL CAN DO IS PROVIDE CLARITY AND DIRECTION, TEACHING YOU WAYS TO CALM DOWN IF, FOR EXAMPLE YOU SUFFER WITH ANXIETY.  BECAUSE COUNSELORS AND MANY PSYCHOLOGISTS ARE NOT DOCTN AREAS WE MAYORS AND NOT ABLE TO PRESCRIBE ANTIDEPRESSANTS, OR ANTI-ANXIETY MEDICATION, THEY DO HAVE THE ABILITY TO KNOW IF YOU NEED MEDICATION AS PART OF AN OVERALL TREATMENT PLAN.  THEY ALSO CAN PROVIDE EMDR TREATMENT FOR TRAUMA AND NARRATIVE PSYCHOLOGY TO HELP THOSE ISSUES SURFACE SO TOGETHER, YOU CAN DEAL WITH YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUES THIS REQUIRES DILIGENCE ON YOUR PART TO GET SUPPORT WHEN IT IS NEEDED.  SOMETIMES, TALKING WITH A FRIEND, JUST ISN’T ENOUGH.

THEY CAN’T FIX ISSUES, BUT TEACH US TO COPE WITH THEM.  COGNITIVE THERAPY, ER THERE ARE TIMES WE MAY NEED SOMEONE TO ADDRESS WITH US WHAT THEY SEE OBJECTIVELY WITHIN US.  WE MAY BE IN DENIAL AND SADLY, THIS IS THE VERY TIME WE NEED SUPPORT. WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF SUPPORT IN OUR WEBSTER DICTIONARY AND THE DAILY WISDOM WORD DEFINITION OF SUPPORT? 

WEBSTER DEFINITION FOR SUPPORT-1.  GIVE ASSISTANCE TO, ESPECIALLY FINANCIALLY, ENABLE TO FUNCTION OR ACT.  2. GIVE APPROVAL, COMFORT OR ENCOURAGEMENT TO. (PARTIAL).

DAILY WISDOM WORD DEFINITION OF SUPPORT-A PLATFORM OF INDIVIDUALS INCLUDING MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS AND LOVED ONES WHO HELP YOU IN TIMES OF NEED.  

SUPPORT FROM OTHERS IS NOTHING TO FEEL ASHAMED OF WHEN YOU NEED HELP.  THEY WOULD RATHER HELP YOU THAN SEE YOU COPE WITH YOUR ISSUE ALONE.  THERE ARE MANY WAYS TO PROVIDE SUPPORT.   SUPPORT CAN BE GIVEN LOVINGLY, EMOTIONALLY, AND EVEN PHYSICAL HELP QUALIFIES IN AREAS WE NEED SUPPORT.  IT IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO REACH OUT WHEN WE NEED TO WITH OTHERS.  THANKS FOR READING, SAMANTHA

other dailywisdomwords.com posts relevant to this:  http://dailywisdomwords.com/daily-wisdom-words/encouragement/

 

POSITIVITY

CHRISTMAS EVE AND JENNY

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MERRY CHRISTMAS-EVE!  BECAUSE OF FAMILY IN TOWN, I WON’T BE POSTING TOMORROW!  CHRISTMAS-EVE IS SO SPECIAL TO ME STARTING WITH MY OWN CHILDHOOD.  MY MOTHER, ALTHOUGH WE WERE CERTAINLY NOT RICH, ALWAYS MADE CHRISTMAS SO SPECIAL FOR US.  I WAS VERY VERY CLOSE WITH MY LITTLE SISTER, WHO MANY OF YOU KNOW DIED THIS YEAR FROM ORAL CANCER PASSING AWAY ON JUNE 27TH, 2020.  

AS KIDS, WE CONSTANTLY PLAYED TOGETHER.  WE WERE QUITE CREATIVE!  WE WOULD WRITE PLAYS ACTING THEM OUT, AS EARLY AS 6 AND 9 YEARS OF AGE, MAYBE EVEN EARLIER.  WHAT SEPARATED JENNY AND I AS I CALLED HER, WAS AN AGE DIFFERENCE OF JUST OVER 3 YEARS, 3 YEARS, 2 MONTHS, TO BE EXACT.  IT DIDN’T MATTER.  WE GOT ALONG SO WELL AND THE MEMORIES MADE ARE FOREVER IN MY HEART.  I WILL HOLD EVEN TIGHTER TO THESE MEMORIES WITHOUT HER THIS FIRST CHRISTMAS.  WE PLAYED SCHOOL, AND I WAS THE TEACHER!  WE HAD GIRLS THAT LIVED NEXT STORE TO US THAT OFTEN CAME OVER TO PLAY AS WELL, MAKING OUR CLASSROOMS AND PLAYS EVEN LARGER.  IT IS SO FUNNY HOW WE COULD CREATE SO MUCH..EVEN THOUGH WE WERE HALF-SISTERS, (WHICH I DIDN’T KNOW UNTIL I WAS 11 YEARS OF AGE), WE WERE SO CLOSE.  AS WE GREW UP, WE WOULD HAVE PERIODS OF SEPARATE INTERESTS STARTING WITH ME IN MIDDLE SCHOOL. 

AT THAT TIME, SEVENTH AND EIGHTH GRADE WAS HELD AT A SEPARATE SCHOOL.  AT THE END OF YOUR SIXTH GRADE, YOU WERE MOVED FROM ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TO MIDDLE SCHOOL FOR TWO YEARS.  THIS ENCOMPASSED SEVENTH AND EIGHTH GRADE FOR ME, AND THIS WOULD BE WHEN JENNY AND I TEMPORARILY HAD DIFFERENT INTERESTS.  HONESTLY, I ALWAYS FELT DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE ELSE.  I FELT INSECURE, AND AWKWARD, BEING TALL AND CHUBBY OR SO I THOUGHT.  THE FRIENDS I HAD WERE THE GIRLS NEXT STORE WHO WERE SISTERS THEMSELVES.  ONE OF THEM WAS A BULLY AND WEEKLY, SHE WOULD BEAT ME UP, ABUSE ME AND I LIVED IN FEAR OF HER.  THE OTHER SISTER WAS MY BEST FRIEND, AND MY SAME AGE.  THEY ALSO WERE HALF-SISTERS IRONICALLY.  

OUR HOME IN PHOENIX WAS CLOSE ENOUGH TO WALK TO SCHOOL ALL OF ELEMENTARY, MIDDLE AND HIGH SCHOOL.  MANY ISSUES I HAD DID HAVE TO DO WITH SHELLY, THE OLDER SISTER NEXT STORE.  ON THE WAY HOME, SHE WOULD OFTEN BEAT ME UP.  KAREN, WHO WAS MY BEST FRIEND, REALLY DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS.  SHELLY WAS OLDER, AND KIND OF RULED THE ROOST THROUGH INTIMIDATION.  SHELLY WOULD TAKE MY LUNCH OUT OF MY HANDS, AND IF I HAD ANYTHING SHE WANTED, SHE WOULD TAKE IT.  THEY WERE FINANCIALLY BETTER OFF THAN US, SO OFTENTIMES I WOULD FIND MYSELF SCRAPPING UP LOOSE CHANGE AROUND THE HOUSE.  ONE YEAR WHEN I WAS ELEVEN, I SAVED ALL YEAR THROUGH FOR CHRISTMAS.  JENNY AND I WERE BOTH SAVING EVERY PENNY WE COULD DOING ANYTHING WE WERE ABLE TO EARN MONEY.  I WANTED EVERYONE THAT YEAR IN MY FAMILY TO HAVE NICE CHRISTMAS GIFTS.  I MENTIONED TO KAREN, SHELLY’S LITTLE SISTER, I HAD SAVED $90 ROUGHLY AND SOMEHOW SHELLY FOUND OUT.  WE HAD AN OPEN DOOR POLICY WITH SHELLY AND KAREN.  ONE DAY, WHEN THE FAMILY WAS GONE, RIGHT AFTER SHARING THIS INFORMATION WITH KAREN, MY MONEY WENT MISSING ONE DAY WHEN WE WERE NOT HOME.  I KNEW SHELLY HAD TAKEN IT, BUT WAS AFRAID TO SPEAK UP FOR MYSELF.  WHAT I DID NOT KNOW IS YEARS OF THIS, STUFFING MY FEELINGS HAD BUILT UP INSIDE ME.  ONE DAY IN EIGHTH GRADE, SHELLY BEGAN THE USUAL BULLYING.  I FINALLY STOOD UP TO HER, AND INSTEAD OF HER BEATING ME UP, I BEAT HER UP AND SHE NEVER TOUCHED OR ABUSED ME AGAIN. THIS GAVE ME LONG OVERDUE CONFIDENCE AND BY THE TIME I WAS A FRESHMAN STARTING HIGH SCHOOL I WAS STRONGER WITHIN.  I WAS DIFFERENT FROM OTHER KIDS, ESPECIALLY BEING A VERY SENSITIVE CHILD.  I STARTED TO EMBRACE MY UNIQUENESS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND BECAME FRIENDS WITH SOME VERY POPULAR PEOPLE.  THEY ALWAYS SAID HI TO ME AND I WOULD BE SO HAPPY I WAS MAKING NEW FRIENDS, ALTHOUGH KAREN AND I REMAINED CLOSE.  I WAS PRETTY WELL LIKED IN MY JUNIOR-SENIOR YEAR AND MANY PEOPLE THOUGHT I WAS A “HUMOROUS” PERSON.  I LOVED IT AND BECAME QUITE THE HAM.

EVERY YEAR AT CHRISTMAS TIME, JENNY AND I WOULD REBOND.  WHEN I WAS 15, I MET MY FIRST SERIOUS BOYFRIEND, ROD.  MY FAMILY DID NOT CARE FOR HIM.  MY MOTHER WENT SO FAR AS TO RESTRICT ME FROM SEEING HIM.  JENNY KNEW EVERY SINGLE PERSONAL DETAIL ABOUT ME, AND NEVER ONCE SHARED THEM WITH ANYONE ELSE.  I DEVELOPED AN UNDYING TRUST WITH HER.  WHEN I WAS A SENIOR, JENNY WAS A FRESHMAN AT THE SAME HIGH SCHOOL.  SHE HAD A MATURITY ABOUT HER AND LIKE TO HANG WITH MY FRIENDS RATHER THAN OTHERS HER OWN AGE.  THEY LOVED HER.  MY BEST FREIND IN HIGH SCHOOL OTHER THAN JENNY WAS SHELLY.  SHELLY ALSO BECAME CLOSE WITH JENNY, BUT EVERY CHRISTMAS AND HOLIDAY SEASON, DESPITE ANY IRRITATION WITH FROSH JENNY, WE BONDED ONCE AGAIN.  WE HAD TIME OFF FROM SCHOOL FOR THE HOLIDAYS, AND I WOULD TELL HER EVERY SORDID DETAIL ABOUT ROD, THE BOY I WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE SEEING! 

WE HAD A WINDOW AND SHARED A BEDROOM WITH A BIG WINDOW LOCATED RIGHT OUTSIDE TO OUR BACKYARD DIRECTLY BY A FENCE WE BOTH COULD CLIMB.  I BEGAN LYING TO SEE ROD.  JENNY NEVER LET ME DOWN.  SHE NEVER SHARED EVEN ONE SECRET WITH MY MOM. WHEN SHE WAS 13, SHE HAD HER FIRST SERIOUS BOYFRIEND, AND BEGAN SNEAKING OUT THE SAME WINDOW TO SEE HIM, CLIMBING THE FENCE, AND I RETURNED THE FAVOR ALTHOUGH I TOLD HER, “STAY AWAY FROM THE WINDOW. JENNY!  IT WILL LEAD TO TROUBLE. SHE WAS OBSTINATE JUST LIKE ME AND  NOTHING I SAID OR DID, MADE ANY DIFFERENCE.  WE BOTH BROUGHT PLENTY OF TROUBLE TO HOME DURING THOSE YEARS.  ALTHOUGH I APPEARED IRRITATED SHE’D HANG WITH MY OLDER CROWD, I LOVED IT INSIDE.  JENNY WAS FULL OF LIFE AND DIVERSITY, MUCH MORE SECURE WITH HERSELF THAN I WAS, AND EVERYONE LOVED HER THEN AND NOW, UNTIL THE DAY SHE DIED IN JUNE THIS YEAR.  

MY SISTER AND I TOOK DIFFERENT PATHS AFTER MY LAST YEAR AT HIGH SCHOOL AS I CHOSE TO GO TO COLLEGE TWO AND A HALF HOURS AWAY FROM HOME AND SHE STAYED IN PHOENIX ATTEND ARIZONA STATE FOR A WHILE.  HER PASSION FOR ACTING, SINGING, AND FAMILY REMAINED.  SHE MADE FRIENDS SO FAST AND HAD SO MANY THEN UP TO HER DEATH.  HOWEVER, WE ALWAYS BONDED AT CHRISTMAS TIME WHEN WE BOTH CAME HOME OVER CHRISTMAS.  WE WOULD SIT AND TELL SECRETS IN OUR OLD ROOM MY MOTHER LEFT EMPTY AND BOND.  STILL MY MOTHER MADE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL FOR ALL OF US.  I PROMISED MYSELF WHEN I HAD MY OWN FAMILY I WOULD DO THE SAME.  I DID.  JENNY ULTIMATELY MOVED TO LOS ANGELES AFTER HER FIRST MARRIAGE AND DEATH OF HER BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL, HILLARY.  HILLARY WAS THREE WHEN SHE DIED OF SIDS AND UP UNTIL HER FINAL DAY OF LIFE, HILLARY WAS TAKEN WITH HER IN MEMORY AND HEART.  JENNY BEGAN STAYING IN LOS ANGELES OVER CHRISTMAS, BUT TWICE OR MORE A YEAR WE WOULD HAVE A SISTER’S VISIT.  

IF I HAD AN ISSUE, JENNY WAS THE ONE I TURNED TO.  SHE WAS AN “OLD SOUL” AND VERY WISE.  I ALWAYS KNEW IN MY HEART SHE COULD BE TRUSTED.  NEVER ONCE DID SHE LET ME DOWN WITH ADVICE, GUIDANCE AND TRUST.  LIFE HAS EVOLVED, HER HAVING TWO BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS, MY NIECES, AND MY CHILDREN GROWN WITH MY DAUGHTER LIVING OUT OF STATE IN IDAHO.  MY BEST MEMORIES WERE OF CHRISTMAS EVE, AND I AM EMBARRASSED TO SHARE I STILL SORTA BELIEVED IN SANTA UNTIL I WAS ELEVEN.  WISE “JENNY” FIGURED THE TRUTH OUT LONG BEFORE THAT BUT THE HOLIDAYS BROUGHT US CLOSE ONCE AGAIN.  I DIDN’T MEAN TO WRITE A NOVEL, BUT MY HEART TOOK ME TO THESE MEMORIES.  I MISS AND LOVE HER SO VERY MUCH.  THANK YOU MOM FOR ALL YOU DID TO GIVE US THE WONDERFUL MEMORIES WE HAVE OF CHRISTMAS AND ALWAYS HAVING TRADITIONS AND FOLLOWING THEM.  YOU TRULY ARE BEYOND AMAZING, AND I LOVE YOU SO SO SO MUCH.  YOU ARE SOMEONE WHO IS NOT ONLY A MOTHER, BUT A BEST FRIEND.  GOD BLESS YOU FOR ALL YOU GIVE AND HAVE GIVEN OF YOURSELF.  I WILL FOREVER BE IN GRATITUDE YOU GAVE US ONE ANOTHER, AND PUT A FAMILY TOGETHER LIKE GLUE.  YOU ARE STILL HERE AND FOR THIS I COULD NOT BE MORE GRATEFUL.  

FROM MY HEART TO YOURS, MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND REMEMBER WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT.  FIRST, THE BIRTH OF JESUS CHRIST.  BUT SECOND, THE MOMENTS IN TIME THAT WILL REMAIN FROZEN IN TIME IN A CAPSULE OF LOVE WITH FAMILY INCLUDING YOU.  THIS LOSS HAS AFFECTED ALL OF US IS SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS.  JENNY, I WILL LIGHT A CANDLE IN HONOR OF YOU TODAY.  MAY YOU REST WITH THE ANGELS AND WATCH OVER ALL OF US.  YOU BROUGHT LOVE, LIFE, HAPPINESS, JOY AND HUMOR BUT MOSTLY YOU BROUGHT ENDLESS LOVE FOR ALL OF US.  I THANK YOU MY LITTLE SISTER FOR ALL WE HAD.  MAY YOU REST IN PEACE AND TRADITIONS CONTINUE ON WITHIN OUR FAMILY.  GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND I DO LOVE MY MEMBERS AND TEAM WHO DESERVE AN EXTA SPECIAL THANK YOU AND LOVE ALL AROUND.  THANK YOU TWITTER, FACEBOOK WRITERS WHO ARE MEMBERS OR WHO ARE NOT.  MUCH LOVE AND MANY BLESSINGS TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU…SAMANTHA

CUTTING OUT THE TOXIC

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“Remove yourself from people who treat you like your time doesn’t matter, like your feelings are worthless, or like your soul is replaceable.”
-s. mcnutt

I’ve written about cutting negative people out of your life or at least keeping a social distance (pun intended, ha) in some of my earlier posts. But a tweet I saw this morning made me think a little. A person’s tweet asked what if the toxic comes from a parent and/or an adult child? Should they cut them off?

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TERMINAL CANCER FROM A FAMILY SISTER’S PERSPECTIVE

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Less than a month ago, I lost my little sister to terminal Head and Neck Carcinoma.  It started just over one year ago, on her tongue as a canker sore.  She had gone to the dentist as it was extremely painful.  The dentist told Jenny that the canker sore looked a bit different than the typical canker sore so the dentist sent her to an Ear, Nose and Throat Specialist.  Her specialist did a biopsy and told her it was cancer of the head and neck called, squamous cell carcinoma.  He said he felt confident that she would be okay, and at this time her main concern was if the cancer would have any affect on her ability to sing.  The specialist told her he would have to remove the portion of the tongue and margins to see if it had spread from her mouth.  Oddly, she didn’t have the typical predispositions for this cancer.  However, she did have a half brother who had had it, and fought it six years until it returned and he passed away from it.  

When I first heard the news, she had recently met the love of her life, a connection she reconnected with from many years back.  She lived in Venice, California at the time, and was pursuing her singing career, had finally raised two beautiful, amazing girls all by herself.  What I did not know until down the road was the cancer, being typed was already at a stage 3b and at a stage four, it is almost always terminal.  They had also taken a sample of lymph nodes and those came back with six lymph nodes positive for this kind of cancer.  she had a wedding I had just been to, prior to this first surgery to the man of her dreams.  They had a lot in common including playing music, and believed much in the same way.  The first time I had met him was between the initial diagnosis and the first surgery which she had asked the doctor if she could put off as she was getting married in two months.  He told her he saw NO issue with it.  You must understand all the reading in the world is not the same as a doctor who you’ve already built a trust factor with telling you he thought that would be fine.  

My little sister hated narcotics.  I have a disease which at one point required me to be on so much of them she actually hated them.  I felt when I saw her she was somehow different.  One thing I forgot to mention is she went to six days of radiation treatment prior to her wedding and had to stop.  after three treatments she could no longer eat or drink she was burnt so bad.  She almost at this point gave up, but gained her nerve back during the time of the wedding and wanting to survive so badly.  I mentioned the narcotics as I noticed when I took them, (she had no choice as the pain was unmanageable) I felt disconnected.  She was on top of all details, (she was a very sharp girl) as usual, but just a little disconnected due to the narcotics.  I think it was then she started to realize she might actually die from this.  She had already dropped approximately 30 pounds as eating wasn’t enjoyable to her with the pain it caused.  Just before I left, she said to me, “Sammy, wouldn’t it be sad if after all these years I finally meet the love of my life and I end up dying from this?”

I reassured her that would not happen but since the initial diagnosis, I had a sick feeling I could not pinpoint in my stomach.  She at this point decided to completely focus on getting better.  They ended up taking more of her tongue due to the pain level she continued experiencing and the news was not good.  At this point, I would call and try to talk to her and she had a strong lisp.  The treatments began.  At this point she had a full team of experts working on her.  She had made it clear she would NOT go on chemotherapy as a treatment option.  One highly successful treatment was something called brachytherapy which was inserting small beads of radiation throughout the infected area.  When the anesthesiologist put her under for her second tongue operation, he caused her to go into cardiac arrest due to the tracheotomy all patients have.  I also, had gotten the nerve up to avoid how I felt and dig into her kind of cancer.  It appeared based on the numbers she would eventually get it back as many patients do.  My sister sat in an isolation chamber for four days alone.  I never was there for these treatments.  I live in Denver, and still have health issues.  Also, I feel I was a coward not wanting to see her suffer.  

Ideally, she would have gone from this radiation therapy straight to chemotherapy but chose not to do the chemotherapy portion.  Quality of life was important to her, and I think with what she had already gone through it was just too much.  When I flew out two weeks prior to her dying, she was so very thin it scared me.  She also had little strength.  There was a note on the refrigerator showing that her doctor’s first test results after the bracheotherapy and her tumors had shrunk.  However, without the chemotherapy to follow, another NEW tumor was now growing rapidly in her jaw despite the radiation therapy. She even agreed at this point to the chemotherapy, but she wasn’t strong enough to take it at that point after losing so much weight and the wear and tear cancer puts our body through.   She did everything she was capable of, but on June 27th, at 5:15pm I watched her take her last breath at her home in Jenner, California.  

Hospice had stepped in as the doctors no longer could manage the pain, and I had barely unpacked when we were on another trip, this one to say goodbye.  The days that have followed have been full of sobbing on my end, and guilt for what I did not do that I felt I should have.  I wonder to this day if she will ever know how very much I loved her and so many other people, including her husband she was so happy with.  In the end, you could see her big blue eyes filled with exhaustion from fighting a battle where the timing seemed off.  I firmly believe, even if she was ever able to get to remission, she would have had the same result and it saddens me deeply to write this.  I thought it would be good for those of us who have family members with terminal cancer to hear my thoughts and facts.  Now that you’ve read this, what did we learn from it?  I personally feel the doctors waited too long between surgeries, but then again she was underweight and also on a feeding tube.  Sometimes, God calls us home like he did Jenny.  Her beautiful blue eyes were the last thing I remember seeing the day she died.  Please share your comments on a family member who you are dealing with who has terminal cancer or share your thoughts about my story.  Do you see anything blatantly glaring we did wrong?  Jenny always made her own decisions.  All I know is now she is gone and my heart aches horribly.  I know one day I will see her again.  I just know a special soul filled with kindness and love could never die eternally. She was only 52 years old when she passed.  She will always be with me in my heart and in my memories from childhood which I cherish to this day.

Samantha Leboeuf/Daily Wisdom Words

GOODBYES

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How do we say farewell or goodbye?  Now that I have lost someone so close to me, my sister, I am wondering if saying farewell to those I love could be the final farewell.  Life is short.  We never know what will happen today, much less in the future.  Sadly, life is full of loss and tragedy.  It is also full of hope and dreams that sometimes come true.  I am upset with myself  for the things I did not say to Jenny, my little sister before she died.   I was truly at a loss for words.  The main memories I have of her are from childhood.  I do remember whenever there was a crisis, (love crisis and otherwise), she was there for me.  She would often hang up the phone without a farewell or goodbye as she would be getting another call or the her girls needed something, or her lunch break was over.  I think she thought as I did.  Maybe forever’s are how we all live our lives.  If we are not sick, we don’t focus on death.  When we say goodbye to someone we love, we don’t think  that it may be the last chance we get to do so.  

Goodbyes are so important because we simply don’t know what will happen in our future.  We should place more importance on them.  I believe when I say goodbye, I should say I love you, always to those I love.  At least my little sister knew this.  I loved her very much.  She lives on through her music.  I hate it that I am continually going onto any music platform I can find, to hear her music.  Why did I not take more of an interest in it when she was alive?  the years of our thirties and forties were spent raising our children.  She lived in Los Angeles and I lived in Parker, Colorado.  We would talk once a month, maybe more.  When we would talk, the bond we had automatically had built from childhood came back instantly.  We found ourselves once again telling each other our secrets.  I would tell her the things I told no one else.   I would share with her secrets you only trust a sister with.  She would share with me, the same.  I know in the last year of her life she first of all had a husband.  They were so close she shared with him what she no longer shared with me.  

The main reason she didn’t share much with me was because she could not talk without people, including myself, asking her to repeat what she was saying as it was hard to understand her.  I think it was frustrating to her.  I know it was for me.  Remember: she was 52 years old and I am 55 years old.  At this point, she also had a best friend for 30 years, Kelly.  I feel Kelly knew my little sister’s secrets.  It is easy to think that we didn’t have much in common at this stage in her life, newly married, with cancer and already having a best friend.  however, just because we didn’t have a lot in common, the childhood bond remained.   Amazing it stayed so strong,  I believe had she been able to communicate better, she and I would have shared more.  She seemed happy until the cancer treatments and cancer itself caused so much pain.  I realize now, that the last few times I talked to her, I talked to her feeling so bad for her, and this came through in our conversation.  We could have texted.  We simply didn’t that often.  As life goes on, we become a product of our experiences.  The last year of her life she was experiencing the cancer, a new marriage, living hundreds of miles away from her girls who she connected with always seeing them.  She was going through so many adjustments, I doubt her mind was on what Samantha was doing for that night’s dinner.  

I miss her hourly now.  However, it hasn’t even been three weeks since she’s been gone.  I wish I had…..I wish I could….Phrases like this get us no where in life.  What takes us to new growth levels in life, is learning from our mistakes.  I will.  I will be more careful to share my feelings with loved ones, placing their feelings first.  My goodbyes won’t be so quick any more.  Time is NOT a promise.  It is a gift.  Life is a gift.  Getting to say goodbye short-term or long-term is a gift if we remember to always say how we feel.  “I love you”, will always accompany my goodbyes now.  A new feeling envelopes me when I think of a goodbye with someone I love.  There are no promises it won’t be my last goodbye.  Make every goodbye or farewell, one that will be remembered in case things change in your life or theirs.  Tomorrow is not a promise.  Neither is the next hour.  We only have the present to treat those we love with grace and love.  When we say goodbye, we should say it with feeling.  It could be our last one to that person.  We don’t control life as much as we would love to.  goodbye for now, and yes, readers, I do love you all.  

Samantha LeBoeuf/Daily Wisdom Words